Obama Declares National Emergency

As negotiations to push through several bills in the lame duck session of Congress were stalling, President Obama declared a national state of emergency and announced draconian steps to force progress on his legislative priorities.

“Make no mistake. If Republicans do not act on our very reasonable proposals to shackle future generations of Americans with insurmountable debt, it may delay my scheduled departure for my 37th vacation of the year,” President Obama read from a teleprompter.

“I am heading to Hawaii and if I’m late, Michelle will kill me. This is a national emergency that requires extraordinary measures to overcome,” Obama continued.

After his brief introduction, the President announced that he was too busy to continue explaining all the tedious details of his controversial declaration and that he had asked former president Jimmy Carter to take over the remainder of his scheduled press conference.

“All Republicans will be forced to live in prison camps in the frozen tundra of North Dakota until Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid have finished plundering the country for the good of their union cronies,” Mr. Carter read from a teleprompter.

“Am I reading that right? I can’t see too good anymore. I can’t wait to read the rest of this. I hope there’s something in here that sticks it to the Zionist regime,” said Mr. Carter, who turned 86 this year.

Republican reaction from Capitol Hill was varied.

“Uh, I’m pretty sure he can’t do that,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (Weenie - KY).

Soon-to-be Speaker of the House John Boehner (R – Ohio) had a different take on the President’s emergency declaration.

“I’m not going to any prison camp so some union thugs can get their payoff. Personally, I’m going to arm myself to the teeth when I head to the House floor. Anybody who tries to stop me from casting a vote is going to have to negotiate with Smith and Wesson. I encourage all other Republican House members to do the same,” said Mr. Boehner.

As news of President Obama’s emergency declaration spread, reaction from the public was mixed. It was reported that an angry mob of 150,000 people wielding pitchforks had gathered spontaneously at the southern edge of the Washington, D.C. Beltway and was planning to invade shortly.

“Since nobody paid attention to our votes in November we are forced to resort to the time-honored ‘pitchfork’ method of enacting legislative change,” said one protester.

A counter rally was staged in the suburbs north of D.C. by most major U.S. media outlets. Several contributors chartered buses and airplanes and handed out bribes to anyone who would stay in the crowd.

“Being a Republican is now officially a crime. We should silence them all before they do anything else to threaten freedom of speech. They’re all puppets of the Zionist regime anyway,” said a college professor attending the rally who gave his students extra credit for attending.

“Hey, I’m just here ‘cause some dude promised me he’d give me a twenty if I hung out long enough. I have no idea what this is all about. I just hope I don’t have to sit next to the same smelly hippy guy on the bus ride back,” said another protester.

Obama Compromises with GOP on Tax Rate Extension

Details of President Obama’s compromise over tax rates with Congressional Republicans are slowly coming to light as more and more information is shared from both the White House and Congressional leaders.

“The current tax rates will be extended for two more years and we will push through an extension of unemployment benefits. The President also has to wear a dunce cap at his next press conference and pick up my dry cleaning for the next six months,” said current House Minority Leader John Boehner (R – Ohio).

When asked about the compromise President Obama was evasive about the details.

“Make no mistake. The Republicans got some of what they wanted and we got some of what we wanted. That’s the way compromise works,” Obama read from a teleprompter. But he had no other explanation for the dunce cap on his head.

Pressed further, Obama became angry and defensive.

“Look, at one point Boehner’s telling me that they’re going to play pin the tail on the donkey, OK? I either let the tax rate thing go or I end up in the emergency room with a nail in my butt. And with my Obamacare thing already taking effect, who knows how long it will take them to fix that? The guy has some leverage right now,” Obama read from a teleprompter.

“And in case anyone is curious, Boehner likes his shirts lightly starched and he picked out the color of my dunce cap for this press conference. Happy now?” Obama read from a teleprompter.

Leftwing members of the Democrat party voiced their dismay at Obama compromising so easily.

“We need social justice. These robber baron criminals who make over $250,000 a year are a bunch of evil Nazis as far as I’m concerned. We need their money. How dare they withhold it from us? The President has caved too easily. I mean, who cares if we lost 61 seats in the House? That’s not the chamber I sit in,” said Senator Claire McCaskill (Nutcase, MO).

Hugo Chavez, also in the left-wing of the Democrat caucus voiced similar sentiments.

“I’m not sure where people got this insane idea that if they earn money they get to keep it. I don’t care if we lose every election in the future over this issue. If we don’t get to spend other people’s money there isn’t much point in elective office anyway,” said Chavez (D – Venezuela).

Meanwhile, the S&P 500, NYSE and NASDAQ markets were up an average of 97.38% on the news that a compromise on extending current tax rates had been reached. Many traders and brokers voiced relief.

“Hey, it looks like I’ll get to keep some of my own money next year. Maybe I won’t have to buy the Unabomber’s cabin in Montana as a hideout,” said one financial worker who asked not to be identified.

When reached for comment, Ted Kaczynski sounded more sane than Claire McCaskill.

“You know sometimes you lose political battles and you have to either accept it or become a crazed loner eco-terrorist. I think McCaskill really ought to just let this thing go,” Kaczynski said.

Bipartisan Deficit Commission Puts Politicians on Notice

As the National Commission on Fiscal Responsibility wrapped up its work this week, members of the commission delivered a stern warning to free-spending members of Congress and to the White House.

“I ask my colleagues and the White House to consider the Air Force’s recent success with the X37B space plane. It took off seven months ago and just now safely returned to earth. Its secret payload was Democrat Congressman Lincoln Davis of Tennessee. Congressman Davis has been left in orbit because of his fiscally irresponsible voting record. I ask my colleagues to consider their future votes very carefully,” said Congressman Paul Ryan (R, Wisconsin).

According to Ryan, discussions broke down in the Deficit Commission’s meetings and Republicans decided to take matters into their own hands by contacting the Air Force and asking them to abduct Congressman Davis.

Insiders say Davis was a natural test case because of being from a conservative district in Tennessee which voted for John McCain in the 2008 presidential election over President Obama by a 29 percent margin. Most of Davis’ voters wouldn’t miss him which would minimize the outcry over such a measure.

When reached for comment in orbit, Davis was apologetic.

“I’m real sorry for voting for Obamacare and the Stimulus. Now that I am being punished I am awfully sorry I got caught. Can I please come down now? I promise I’ve learned my lesson. I will never spend other people’s granchildren’s money ever again,” said Davis.

The Air Force apparently supported the plan enthusiastically from the outset.

“We’ll see if Barbara Boxer is a little more respectful the next time one of the military’s top generals calls her ma’am during a hearing. One slip of the tongue and Boxer will be 15 miles up in geosynchronous orbit forever. We look forward to working closely with members of Congress in the near future,” said an Air Force official who asked not to be identified.

Democrats accused Republicans on the panel of playing politics with such an important issue.

“Make no mistake. Everybody in Washington knows that you reduce the deficit by raising taxes. The whole point of this stupid commission was to make the case for raising taxes. Don’t Republicans get it? Maybe we could compromise and put that WookieLeaks guy into orbit or something,” White House press secretary Robert Gibbs read from a teleprompter.

Commission co-chair Erskin Bowles also voiced his opposition to the measure.

“We need a more bi-partisan solution than this that raises taxes on people who make just a little bit more money than I do,” said Bowles.

Meanwhile, Ryan announced several other near-term candidates for permanent orbit and defended the bipartisanship of his program.

“Hey, we’re willing to send both RINO’s and Democrats. Our short list currently has John McCain just ahead of Maxine Waters,” Ryan said.

Leading economists estimated that the controversial Republican proposal would reign in spending enough to eliminate deficit spending this year and pay off the national debt within three years.

Wikileaks Document Dump Shows Hillary Tried to Sell Obama to Space Aliens

According to the recently released classified documents published on the Wikileaks website, it appears that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton contacted the United Nations Office of Extraterrestrial Affairs seeking to sell President Obama to the highest intergalactic bidder. Many Washington insiders point out that this plan was especially sinister and would have been nearly impossible to detect.

“The plan was to have President Obama abducted while on a golf course, replace him with a body double, and then only have him address the public when he has a teleprompter in front of him. Who would be able to tell the difference?” said Wikileaks president Julian Assange from his Interpol holding cell at an undisclosed location.

Former political adviser to President Bill Clinton, Dick Morris, believes this was a win-win strategy for Hillary.

“Who knows how many millions of dollars this could raise for Hillary? She gets lots of cash, then she will just wait until the 2012 Democrat primaries and then turn off the teleprompter. Hillary will run away with her party’s presidential nomination as people recoil from the inarticulate dolt,” said Morris.

Another possible disturbing angle on the 2012 election is revealed in the communications with Iran sent through the State Department. According to some of the cables, Secretary Clinton asked Iranian president Mahmud Ahmadinejhad if he could share a few copies of the stuxnet computer worm so her associates could try to use it for “other purposes.”

While stuxnet was apparently designed to disable systems that control nuclear production facilities, Morris believes Secretary Clinton had another motive for modifying the computer worm.

“Let’s say her deal to sell Obama to extraterrestrials falls through. I believe her plan B was to re-engineer stuxnet to disable teleprompters. And if you think about it, half the people would probably still believe that Obama had been kidnapped by aliens and replaced with a body double who only knew how to read a teleprompter,” Morris said.

Tension between President Obama and Secretary Clinton, who were bitter political rivals in the 2008 campaign, was reportedly very high. The president reportedly lashed out at staff members who shared news of the cables with him.

“He was pretty irate. He kept asking who in their right mind would think something crazy like this would work. When he got really mad though was when we told him it would have worked perfectly. In fact, we were thinking of calling the UN’s Office on Extraterrestrial Affairs to see if they could tell us if he had already been replaced by a space alien,” said one White House staffer who asked not to be identified.

Secretary Clinton tried to maintain a diplomatic front.

“I would never overtly try to get the upper hand on our current Doofus-In-Chief. I can’t understand why people would think that about me,” said Secretary Clinton with an evil grin.

When reached for comment, Bill Clinton was incredulous.

“You mean to tell me the UN has an office on extramarital affairs? If I’d known that I wouldn’t have even bothered with the US political scene. They got a whole department for that kind of thing. That’s just cool,” Mr. Clinton said.

Obama Pushing Healthcare Reform Across Country

In what has been billed as a last ditch effort, President Obama is traveling the country speaking to sympathetic audiences on the merits of his healthcare reform bill.

“We need to have the government run health care because historically government has been so much more efficient at, like, running . . . stuff,” Obama read from a teleprompter.

“I mean, look at the Post Office. You know, you don’t have to wait in line too long. And the prices don’t go up that much every year. And they aren’t losing all that much money. And . . . and most of the time they deliver your letters and packages . . . and stuff,” said Obama.

“If you don’t think my job is hard, you try saying all that with a straight face.”

According to the White House the rallies have been very well attended and enthusiasm for the president’s plan has been high.

“At our rally in St. Charles, Missouri earlier this week we had 41 people show up. Granted, we bussed in Hugo Chavez and 26 members of the Venezuelan Workers Revolution Party, but that was still a lot more people than we were expecting,” said White House press secretary Robert Gibbs.

Outside the meeting in St. Charles, a union community organizer who asked not to be identified said he felt the president was very successful in his pitch to the country.

“I think everybody knows that rich people are the problem. And we all know that anyone who is not a member of a labor union is rich. So if we just soak the rich we’ll all have good health care. The President was very effective in making that case. Excuse me while I adjust my aluminum foil hat,” said the organizer.

“It helps keep Republicans from reading the signals from the implant they put in my brain back in ’94.”

Similar sentiments were expressed by other union community organizers who attended the event.

Critics meanwhile pointed out the large number of protesters assembled at counter-events organized in the greater St. Louis area. Notably, one gathering had over 2,500 attendees who came to hear a local librarian speak against the health care reform bill.

The White House tried to downplay the relative size of the competing events.

“Just because they have thousands more people on their side and we have to pay union thugs to come to our rallies doesn’t mean that our aggravated healthcare reform and battery plan isn’t really what the American people want,” said White House chief of staff Rahm Emmanuel.

“I mean, they are a bunch of retards anyway. They don’t really know what’s good for them,” said Emmanuel.

Rhode Island Congressman Patrick Kennedy also weighed in on the subject.

“I CAN”T BELIEVE WE ONLY HAD 15 MEMBERS OF THE PRESS SHOW UP TO THIS RALLY! THE AMERICAN MEDIA SHOULD BE ASHAMED FOR NOT HELPING US COMMIT AGGRAVATED HEALTHCARE REFORM AND BATTERY!” said Kennedy.

“I would like some applesauce, please,” Kennedy added.

Toyota Hearings Represent ‘Monumental Opportunity’ for Congress

In an effort to distract Americans from Congress’ own gross mismanagement, members of the House Oversight and Investigations Committee grilled Toyota USA president Jim Lentz for three hours on the recent massive product recalls for sudden acceleration and braking problems.

“We’re not sure if Toyota did anything wrong or not. We’re just hoping some folks will get mad at Toyota instead of us. This is a monumental opportunity for distraction,” said Representative Bart Stupak (UAW, Michigan) the committee chairman.

“And by the way, this is a good way to try to pay back some of our union thug backers as well,” Stupak said, referring to the lower levels of unionization within Toyota as compared to domestic auto makers.

Lentz faced stiff opposition from the moment he began his opening remarks. He was interrupted while reading his opening statement by Stupak.

“I think you’ve accelerated too quickly into your remarks. Your mouth must be defective,” Stupak said, then turned to an aide and asked if he thought the remark would get air time on CNN.

After three more interruptions, Lentz finally lost it.

“We followed the rules and regulations that the federal government gave us to follow. You guys are so stupid you can’t tie your own shoes. I have to run my organization within a budget. You guys don’t even know what that word means. If someone is liable in all this, it ought to be you morons who set up excessive regulations that don’t protect anybody,” Lentz said.

Stupak responded angrily that, “members of Congress should not have to know how to tie shoes. Our work is too important to be distracted by menial things.”

Meanwhile, the White House expressed its hope that the distraction would assist them in their second attempt to commit healthcare reform and battery.

“Make no mistake. While Mr. Toyoda is in front of that committee tomorrow we will proceed with the reconciliation option behind closed doors,” President Obama read from a teleprompter.

“Hey, who wrote this thing? I thought we decided to say that the whole recall thing was Bush’s fault,” Obama said.

Critics of the grilling Lentz received on Capitol Hill echoed his point that regulations set forth by the Department of Transportation were strictly followed by Toyota yet did not prevent the defects from making it into cars. Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood was called on to briefly testify before the committee as well.

“Hey Ray. We kind of miss you back here on the Hill. Hope the cabinet gig is still going well. We’ll talk it over at tee time tomorrow, OK?” Stupak said.

LaHood read a short statement before fielding the one question from Stupak.

“I would like to say that while my agency’s regulations were apparently worthless in this case, that Americans should not lose faith in their government. And this does not in any way mean that we should be skeptical of government regulations that supposedly protect us,” said LaHood.

Obama Invites Republicans to Healthcare Cage Match

Trying to show more openness, President Obama has invited Republicans to a televised cage match to resolve the healthcare reform logjam on Capitol Hill.

“Make no mistake. We will slam heads into turnbuckles. We will rake faces. We will put people in a suplex. We will do whatever it takes to beat the Republicans into submission so we can pass our reform bill which will shackle America forever into the future,” Obama read from a teleprompter.

White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel added further that, “I can't wait to get these guys in the ring and beat them up on national television. The whole world is gonna watch us rock their world. Yeah, baby!”

Republican reaction to the President's overtures was cautious.

“We expect to remain miles apart on healthcare reform even after we've finished bashing in Emmanuel's head,” said House Minority Leader John Boehner (R – Ohio).

Senator Mitch McConnel (R – KY) said he expected a great tag team match up between him and Boehner and Emmanuel and Health and Human Services Secretary, Kathleen Sebelius.

“Boehner and I used to do this kind of stuff back in '94 when Newt started using it as a way to settle differences within the caucus. John and I tag-teamed against Arlen Spector and Ray LaHood once. Spector had to have reconstructive surgery on his -- well -- I'll just say I wasn't surprised that he finally left the party,” said McConnell.

Boehner similarly expressed confidence in the Republican side's chances. At a press conference Boehner ripped a phone book in half, got his face within two inches of the nearest television camera, and challenged his opponents to come up with a better plan.

“You whiny big-government liberal girly-men need to come up with a plan that doesn't destroy the best healthcare system in the world. Ya say ya gonna rock my world, huh? You better watch yourselves in the ring sissy boys. I might have a folding chair waiting on you. I'm coming to get you. And there's no place you can run and hide,” said Boehner.

When asked to comment on the upcoming healthcare summit, White House press secretary Robert Gibbs expressed his dismay.

“You have two white men threatening to beat up a woman who is a cabinet secretary. That just shows the Republican gender bias,” Gibbs read from a teleprompter.

In response, Boehner and McConnell reportedly offered to let former Prime Minister of Great Britain, Margaret Thatcher, stand in for one of them.

“At age 85, the Iron Lady can still beat your whiny little liberal behind. Long live freedom! WOOOO!” said Boehner.

Thatcher's office was reportedly making arrangements to attend the cage match on the 25th of this month.

Another Twist in Antartic Whale Fishing Controversy

As yet another clash occurred between Japanese whaling ships and the Sea Shepherd's anti-whaling boat, the Kill the Whales Foundation announced a new study that proves global warming is a direct result of the overpopulation of whales.

"In the most comprehensive study of its kind, the Kill the Whales Foundation has positively and causally linked the population of whales and whale-related species to the mean atmospheric temperature of the earth," said Henrick Olsson, Kill the Whales Foundation spokesman.

"More whales equals higher temperature. It's that simple. And it requires the immediate eradication of all whales," Olsson said.

Climate researchers at the University of East Anglia were asked to examine the results and offer another opinion on the findings of the Kill The Whales report.

"As much as this pains me, we have held this study up to the exact same kind of scientific rigor and scrutiny that we have used in our own studies and we are unable to refute it. Killing the whales will save the planet from immediate destruction. There is no other possible conclusion," said climate researcher Phil Jones.

Reaction from the Obama administration was handled somewhat clumsily.

"We would like to congratulate corpseman Olsson for his study that totally contradicts everything we've been saying for 30 years," President Obama read from a teleprompter.

"Will you retards please update this teleprompter thing before reading it gets me into trouble? I mean, I think I just endorsed killing whales and I'm not sure my retard base will help me with a second attempt to commit healthcare reform if I'm telling America to kill all the whales out there. Can we invite the Republicans to kill the whales, too? Then maybe it won't look so bad," Obama said.

Meanwhile in the frozen waters of the antarctic, the crew of the Bob Barker was rammed by another Japanese whaling vessel sponsored by the Kill the Whales Foundation.

"It was awful," said an anonymous crewmember.

"They were singing cumbaya on the deck and lulled us into kind of a trance. And just when we started to snap out of it, one of them yelled 'Look! It's Mao Tse Tung!' We were so disoriented looking for chairman Mao that the next thing we new we were being smashed by a multi-ton trawler," said the crewmember.

Obama Pitches Indentured Servitude Act

In a change of direction from the White House, President Obama has started calling his annual budget the Indentured Servitude Act of 2010.

“The neat thing about this bill is that we get to shackle future generations. We can spend money like drunken sailors and let somebody else pay the bill when it comes due. What could be cooler than that?” Obama said.

The budget bill has been widely criticized as creating a large deficit, contributing to an incomprehensible level of debt and growing the size and power of the federal government to unprecedented levels.

In response to these criticisms the Obama administration initially claimed that they had cut back a tiny percentage of an obscure category of federal spending in order to reduce the impact of the budget bill.

“What are those retards talking about? We cut spending in some places where it won’t affect re-election bids in Democrat controlled districts,” said White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel.

In recent days however, the President seems to have changed direction with his message.

“I’m giving up on sounding smart or reasonable or whatever. Let’s just spend as much as possible and let somebody else figure out how to pay for it. It’s just easier that way,” Obama read from a teleprompter.

Republican Congressional leaders were apparently taken aback by the strategic shift.

“Uh, we’re not totally certain that indentured servitude is the way to go. Uh. Did he really say that?” said House Minority Leader John Boehner (R – Ohio).

In response to Boehner’s comments, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs charged that Republicans were being intolerant and were unwilling to meet the President half way.

“All these belligerent neanderthal brown shirts can do is obstruct. I can only warn them that there will be a price to pay for questioning the President without offering a similar socialist utopian vision of our society,” Gibbs read from a teleprompter.

Hugo Chavez (D – Venezuela) reportedly voiced his support for the Indentured Servitude Act of 2010 while in a drunken rage.

Obama to Blame Bush in State of the Union Speech

Early indications from the White House are that President Obama will blame former President Bush for many of the current issues facing the country in tomorrow evening’s State of the Union address.

“Make no mistake. The current state of the economy with unemployment over 10% is 100% George Bush’s fault,” White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs read from a teleprompter.

“The fact that unemployment has gone up since our administration came into office must be because Dick Cheney maneuvered behind the scenes to hide the real numbers,” said Gibbs.

According to White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel, the economy is just the first in a long list of issues that Obama plans to blame on Bush.

“The blame for the recent growth of Al Qaeda in Yemen can be placed squarely on Bush. We maintained all along that Bush should have concentrated on the real war in Yemen, instead of getting diverted into Iraq and Afghanistan,” Emmanuel said.

“The Senate’s inability to pass the President’s Health Care Reform bill is also George W. Bush’s fault. And if Bush had done more to prevent global warming we might never have had the H1N1 outbreak or the earthquake in Haiti,” Emmanual continued.

Representatives from Hugo Chavez’s office (D – Venezuela) reportedly contacted the White House asking to hold a joint press conference to further explain how George W. Bush caused the Haitian earthquake. Emmanuel declined to comment on Chavez’s request stating that, “our good friend Hugo knows where we stand on this.”

When asked if the president had any positive things to highlight in his speech Emmanuel responded that, “We are going to announce a freeze on spending anything that can’t be used to buy votes. If we’re going to put future generations into bondage with our incomprehensible deficit spending, we at least ought to get some short term, political benefit from it. You can never let a good crisis go to waste.”

Supreme Court Decides First Amendment Is OK

In what is being described as a landmark decision, the Supreme Court today issued a ruling in the Citizens United vs Federal Election Commission case. The decision throws out much of the Bipartisan Campaign Reform Act of 2002 - known widely as the McCain-Feingold bill.

“It turns out that we have this thing in the Constitution called the First Amendment which protects political speech. Most of us were all blown away when Clarence Thomas pointed it out to us. We thought that was a really cool idea,” said Justice Anthony Kennedy.

Justice Ruth Bader-Ginsberg wrote the dissenting opinion. She disagreed strongly with the majority in this decision.

“If we can’t tell people what political speech is acceptable then it will mean fewer Justices like me on this court. I mean, I’m set for life, but what about future generations of socialists who will be perpetually out of power if the American people are allowed to express their opinions openly? Freedom of speech isn't the issue here. We need to promote the agenda I agree with,” Bader-Ginsberg said.

Reaction on Capitol Hill was also somewhat polarized. Senator John McCain (RINO, AZ) who had a large part in passing the bill disagreed with the court’s decision as well.

“Surely something as trivial as the Constitution and this alleged ‘First Amendment’ can be set aside so I can pander to the left, get good press in the Washington Post and get invited to lots of parties inside the beltway,” McCain said.

Reaction from Democrats was also quite negative.

“Giving the average American the opportunity to voice his opinions by donating money to an advocacy group is just a bad idea for democracy. The average American is not smart enough to understand how important our work is. They listen to things like talk radio and watch things like Fox News. We don’t want to hear their opinions which is why we tried to make those opinions illegal in the first place,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (Stalinist, CA).

In a telephone poll of 1,200 likely voters conducted by Vast Right Wing News, respondents were largely in favor of the Supreme Court’s ruling today. 97.8% of respondents said they were at least very likely to tell their Congressman and Senators to shut up and listen to them for a change.

0.5% of those polled thought the ruling, “endangered the proletarian Marxist revolution for social justice.” As it turns out, the polling organization accidentally called multiple White House extensions in this survey and feels that this particular category is somewhat overstated.

Democrats See Subtle Messages in MA Election Results

Democrats in Washington say they have been carefully sifting through exit polling data from Massachusetts to find subtle messages about their direction and the mood of voters.

White House political adviser David Axelrod said that the findings are subtle and nuanced.

“According to our careful, internal polling, 75% of Independents, 99% of Republicans and 40% of Democrats wish liberals in Congress and the White House would all drop dead. We're pretty sure that spells trouble for Republicans as well though. I mean, at 99% they are pretty divided as a party. And we're sure this has nothing to do with our efforts to ram through a health care reform bill that only polls well among Taliban suicide bombers,” Axelrod said.

Even as members of the Obama administration made their explanations, Democrats in Congress appeared to be losing their appetite for the health care reform bill. Jim Webb (Dimbulb – VA) was quick to say that no further votes should be taken on the health care bill until Scott Brown, the winner of Tuesday's special election, was seated in the Senate.

“I just think that if we try to move on this bill before this guy gets his seat that we will be dealing with a Bastille Day type thing on Capitol Hill. Every time I get outside the beltway all I see are peasants with pitchforks. That can't be a good sign,” Webb said.

“I mean, if these guys remember that I voted for this bill I might have to go back to writing pornographic novels or something,” Webb said.

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich had some advice for Democrats and Republicans alike in the aftermath of the election.

“First of all, I want to say to Jim Webb that we don't care how quickly he backtracks away from this bill. We remember how he voted when he thought it mattered. He is toast and it's already too late,” Gingrich said. And then paused long enough to suppress a fit of hysterical laughter.

“Second, I want to say to Republicans that if you can win running as a conservative in Taxachussetts then you better get a clue and figure out that the American people want you to be conservative. Hope I'm not talking down to you guys too much,” Gingrich said.

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs tried to downplay the significance of the election results.

“Make no mistake. While we got our butts kicked in a state that elected Ted Kennedy to the Senate for life and that has sent Barney Frank back to Congress for 30 years, we believe that ultimately, Marsha Coakley really just ran a bad campaign,” Gibbs read from a teleprompter.

“What's that? Oh, Martha Coakley. Yeah that was the name of the person we worked with so closely to win Ted Kennedy's seat back. I just couldn't remember her name,” Gibbs said after an aide whispered in his ear for a few awkward moments.

Chavez Says US Occupying Haiti in the Name of Aid

In his weekly television show, Venezuelan President (D, Venezuela) accused the United States of using the aftermath of the Haitian earthquake as an excuse to take over and occupy Haiti.

“They have sent 3,000 marines into Haiti. And they brought their guns. Why would US Marines need guns in a destabilized country with no infrastructure and which is plagued by violent roving mobs?” asked Chavez.

Chavez also suggested that the earthquake was caused by the United States to further their imperialist goals of world domination. According to Chavez, the US had been waiting for the opportunity to invade natural-resource-deprived Haiti because of its strategic position in the Caribbean where it isn't close to anything of importance.

“You have to understand, my people, that the United States is pure evil and anything you may hear that is good is an outright lie – punishable by death,” said Chavez.

Reaction from the White House was swift and decisive.

“Make no mistake. We have called this press conference to show Mr. Chavez that we are tough and are not afraid of anyone,” White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs read from a teleprompter.

“We feel that Mr. Chavez's comments are unfortunate and we wish he was willing to discuss our minor disagreement over a beer,” said Gibbs.

“And besides, with all the debt we just incurred, what makes him think we can afford to send Marines with bullets?” said Gibbs.

Republicans in Congress were somewhat less accommodating.

“That fat narco-terrorist has sent over 11,000 crazed FARC communist gunmen into Columbia to murder women and children over the last ten years. And he thinks because we send Marines in to help restore order in the aftermath of a genuine tragedy that we are invading? What a miserable piece of human refuse,” said Representative Eric Cantor (R – Virginia).

“You can quote me on that,” said Cantor.

Cantor also challenged Chavez to an ultimate fighting cage match and made comments about wishing to meet Chavez in a dark alley with a Louisville Slugger.

Attempts to gain further comments from Chavez were unsuccessful.

University Professors Claim H1N1 Caused by Global Warming

In a stunning revelation from researchers at the University of East Anglia, it appears that university professors posing as scientists have discovered that the dreaded H1N1 influenza epidemic was caused directly by global warming.

“The story we were able to invent is just gripping. It demonstrates the need for both further research grants for me and the institution I work for and for a radical communist reorganization of human society,” said university professor Phil Jones.

According to professor Jones, global warming caused such drastic melting of the ice cap at the north pole that a previously frozen prehistoric pig was exposed from under the ice. A polar bear who was hungry because of a global warming damaged ecosystem with insufficient food happened upon the prehistoric pig and ate its carcass. The H1N1 virus was actually kept alive in the pig's carcass for millions of years because of the deep cold.

“This poor unfortunate polar bear was then killed by Eskimos who were also hungry because food was scarce because of global warming. Once the Eskimos ate the polar bear they contracted the virus. When one of them migrated to Mexico he got a bunch of people sick,” said professor Jones.

Reaction from the many in the media was cautious.

“Quick! We must ensure there are further grants made to professor Jones and the University of East Anglia so that this vital research can continue,” said CNN's Anderson Cooper.

MSNBC commentator Chris Matthews added, “This is the most compelling evidence yet that human society needs to undergo a radical communist reorganization.”

Fox News commentator Sean Hannity was more skeptical than most.

“Do we have any evidence that this actually happened? And isn't Phil Jones the guy who had his emails about hiding the results of his research exposed?” Hannity asked.

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs offered the official response of president Obama. Reading from a teleprompter Gates said, “Make no mistake, even if this research proves to be a fairy tale we are not going to let a good crisis go to waste. The President's cap and trade bill passed by the House will ensure that the ice caps refreeze, the polar bear vomits the pig, and the Eskimos will be free to join labor unions.”

When questioned further about the sketchy details Gibbs appeared impatient. He pushed to the ground a reporter from the Weekly Standard who had asked Gibbs where the remains of the polar bear were located.

Later, when Gibbs was questioned about the incident he replied, “Those guys were stalking us. They were sent from the Scott Brown campaign and they were Republican fascist hacks who don't deserve freedom of the press. And I helped him back up as soon as the cameras were turned off.”

Antarctic Whale Wars Twist

Disturbing new details are emerging on the collision between a Japanese whaling vessel and the Sea Shepherd Conservation Society's anti-whaling speedboat, the Ady Gil.

According to anonymous sources, the Japanese whaling ship involved in the collision was actually an undercover boat sponsored by the Kill The Whales Foundation – a group whose Facebook site claims they are working toward the eventual genocide of all whales and whale-related species.

“We were aware that the hippies were in the area so we deployed our Shark IV boat to dispatch them. The real difficulty was how to get a speedboat to stay stationary long enough for a multi-ton fishing boat to ram it. But we have some tricks up our sleeves,” said a source from the Kill the Whales Foundation who asked not to be identified because he is not authorized to speak to the media.

“Sometimes we'll have someone on the deck with a guitar singing Cumbaya – that usually holds them still long enough. If that doesn't do the job we can usually distract them by pointing in a different direction and shouting something like, 'look, it's Mao Tse-Tung,'” the source said.

The Kill the Whales foundation claims to have four "Shark" boats in the waters off Antarctica that will be used to protect innocent whalers from radical environmentalists in speedboats. The "Shark" boats have recently been deployed because funding was made available from President Obama's massive stimulus bill.

“It's a good thing nobody looked into that stimulus bill thing before it passed. There was a staffer with Barney Frank's office who was sympathetic to our cause. Well, we actually black-mailed him into slipping our funding into the bill. Once Obama signed the bill we had the funds to buy our boats and proceed with our organization's important goals,” said the source.

Representative from the office of Barney Frank (Trotskyite, MA) denied he was the source of the funding and refused to speak further with Vast Right Wing News.

"We think we should spend even more on Fannie Mae. Now get off my phone," the person who answered the phone said.

Obama Sends Tough Message to Yemen

Washington, DC – In a move being hailed by Democrats, President Obama made a tough stand against Yemeni terrorist threats by holding a press conference.

“Make no mistake. I will continue to hold press conferences until the unpleasant elements in Yemen understand that I mean business,” President Obama read from his teleprompter.

“This is just the sort of leadership we need to protect us from the extremist religious elements we’re dealing with. Too bad Bush dropped bombs from 20,000 feet and terrorized women and children instead of holding manly press conferences like this,” said David Axelrod, the President’s political advisor.

“This sends a tough message to the Arab street. We have started calling it the Obama Doctrine,” Axelrod said.

In an attempt to verify the effectiveness of the Obama Doctrine, Vast Right Wing News conducted extensive phone surveys of Yemeni terrorists. 0.017% of terrorist respondents said that Obama’s policy would “somewhat affect” their decision to try to blow up American interests. While 57.9% responded that the President’s strategy made them “somewhat more likely” to shout curses directed at the president while conducting suicide bombing runs.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney, an outspoken critic of the Obama Doctrine, was troubled by the survey results.

“According to this excellent research from my favorite news source, we are flat-out doomed. I doubt this empty-headed dolt can even tie his own shoes,” Cheney said.

Axelrod and others were quick to jump to the President’s defense.

“Cheney is just bitter because the Bush Administration couldn’t hold good press conferences like this one – where our Dear Leader connected with the American people on an almost spiritual plane,” Axelrod said.

“Besides, extremist name-calling from right-wing fascist brown shirts like Cheney has no place in America today. He should be shipped off to the new gulag’s in New Mexico for saying dangerous things like this,” Axelrod said.