Obama Declares National Emergency

As negotiations to push through several bills in the lame duck session of Congress were stalling, President Obama declared a national state of emergency and announced draconian steps to force progress on his legislative priorities.

“Make no mistake. If Republicans do not act on our very reasonable proposals to shackle future generations of Americans with insurmountable debt, it may delay my scheduled departure for my 37th vacation of the year,” President Obama read from a teleprompter.

“I am heading to Hawaii and if I’m late, Michelle will kill me. This is a national emergency that requires extraordinary measures to overcome,” Obama continued.

After his brief introduction, the President announced that he was too busy to continue explaining all the tedious details of his controversial declaration and that he had asked former president Jimmy Carter to take over the remainder of his scheduled press conference.

“All Republicans will be forced to live in prison camps in the frozen tundra of North Dakota until Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid have finished plundering the country for the good of their union cronies,” Mr. Carter read from a teleprompter.

“Am I reading that right? I can’t see too good anymore. I can’t wait to read the rest of this. I hope there’s something in here that sticks it to the Zionist regime,” said Mr. Carter, who turned 86 this year.

Republican reaction from Capitol Hill was varied.

“Uh, I’m pretty sure he can’t do that,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (Weenie - KY).

Soon-to-be Speaker of the House John Boehner (R – Ohio) had a different take on the President’s emergency declaration.

“I’m not going to any prison camp so some union thugs can get their payoff. Personally, I’m going to arm myself to the teeth when I head to the House floor. Anybody who tries to stop me from casting a vote is going to have to negotiate with Smith and Wesson. I encourage all other Republican House members to do the same,” said Mr. Boehner.

As news of President Obama’s emergency declaration spread, reaction from the public was mixed. It was reported that an angry mob of 150,000 people wielding pitchforks had gathered spontaneously at the southern edge of the Washington, D.C. Beltway and was planning to invade shortly.

“Since nobody paid attention to our votes in November we are forced to resort to the time-honored ‘pitchfork’ method of enacting legislative change,” said one protester.

A counter rally was staged in the suburbs north of D.C. by most major U.S. media outlets. Several contributors chartered buses and airplanes and handed out bribes to anyone who would stay in the crowd.

“Being a Republican is now officially a crime. We should silence them all before they do anything else to threaten freedom of speech. They’re all puppets of the Zionist regime anyway,” said a college professor attending the rally who gave his students extra credit for attending.

“Hey, I’m just here ‘cause some dude promised me he’d give me a twenty if I hung out long enough. I have no idea what this is all about. I just hope I don’t have to sit next to the same smelly hippy guy on the bus ride back,” said another protester.