Obama Compromises with GOP on Tax Rate Extension

Details of President Obama’s compromise over tax rates with Congressional Republicans are slowly coming to light as more and more information is shared from both the White House and Congressional leaders.

“The current tax rates will be extended for two more years and we will push through an extension of unemployment benefits. The President also has to wear a dunce cap at his next press conference and pick up my dry cleaning for the next six months,” said current House Minority Leader John Boehner (R – Ohio).

When asked about the compromise President Obama was evasive about the details.

“Make no mistake. The Republicans got some of what they wanted and we got some of what we wanted. That’s the way compromise works,” Obama read from a teleprompter. But he had no other explanation for the dunce cap on his head.

Pressed further, Obama became angry and defensive.

“Look, at one point Boehner’s telling me that they’re going to play pin the tail on the donkey, OK? I either let the tax rate thing go or I end up in the emergency room with a nail in my butt. And with my Obamacare thing already taking effect, who knows how long it will take them to fix that? The guy has some leverage right now,” Obama read from a teleprompter.

“And in case anyone is curious, Boehner likes his shirts lightly starched and he picked out the color of my dunce cap for this press conference. Happy now?” Obama read from a teleprompter.

Leftwing members of the Democrat party voiced their dismay at Obama compromising so easily.

“We need social justice. These robber baron criminals who make over $250,000 a year are a bunch of evil Nazis as far as I’m concerned. We need their money. How dare they withhold it from us? The President has caved too easily. I mean, who cares if we lost 61 seats in the House? That’s not the chamber I sit in,” said Senator Claire McCaskill (Nutcase, MO).

Hugo Chavez, also in the left-wing of the Democrat caucus voiced similar sentiments.

“I’m not sure where people got this insane idea that if they earn money they get to keep it. I don’t care if we lose every election in the future over this issue. If we don’t get to spend other people’s money there isn’t much point in elective office anyway,” said Chavez (D – Venezuela).

Meanwhile, the S&P 500, NYSE and NASDAQ markets were up an average of 97.38% on the news that a compromise on extending current tax rates had been reached. Many traders and brokers voiced relief.

“Hey, it looks like I’ll get to keep some of my own money next year. Maybe I won’t have to buy the Unabomber’s cabin in Montana as a hideout,” said one financial worker who asked not to be identified.

When reached for comment, Ted Kaczynski sounded more sane than Claire McCaskill.

“You know sometimes you lose political battles and you have to either accept it or become a crazed loner eco-terrorist. I think McCaskill really ought to just let this thing go,” Kaczynski said.