As the National Commission on Fiscal Responsibility wrapped up its work this week, members of the commission delivered a stern warning to free-spending members of Congress and to the White House.
“I ask my colleagues and the White House to consider the Air Force’s recent success with the X37B space plane. It took off seven months ago and just now safely returned to earth. Its secret payload was Democrat Congressman Lincoln Davis of Tennessee. Congressman Davis has been left in orbit because of his fiscally irresponsible voting record. I ask my colleagues to consider their future votes very carefully,” said Congressman Paul Ryan (R, Wisconsin).
According to Ryan, discussions broke down in the Deficit Commission’s meetings and Republicans decided to take matters into their own hands by contacting the Air Force and asking them to abduct Congressman Davis.
Insiders say Davis was a natural test case because of being from a conservative district in Tennessee which voted for John McCain in the 2008 presidential election over President Obama by a 29 percent margin. Most of Davis’ voters wouldn’t miss him which would minimize the outcry over such a measure.
When reached for comment in orbit, Davis was apologetic.
“I’m real sorry for voting for Obamacare and the Stimulus. Now that I am being punished I am awfully sorry I got caught. Can I please come down now? I promise I’ve learned my lesson. I will never spend other people’s granchildren’s money ever again,” said Davis.
The Air Force apparently supported the plan enthusiastically from the outset.
“We’ll see if Barbara Boxer is a little more respectful the next time one of the military’s top generals calls her ma’am during a hearing. One slip of the tongue and Boxer will be 15 miles up in geosynchronous orbit forever. We look forward to working closely with members of Congress in the near future,” said an Air Force official who asked not to be identified.
Democrats accused Republicans on the panel of playing politics with such an important issue.
“Make no mistake. Everybody in Washington knows that you reduce the deficit by raising taxes. The whole point of this stupid commission was to make the case for raising taxes. Don’t Republicans get it? Maybe we could compromise and put that WookieLeaks guy into orbit or something,” White House press secretary Robert Gibbs read from a teleprompter.
Commission co-chair Erskin Bowles also voiced his opposition to the measure.
“We need a more bi-partisan solution than this that raises taxes on people who make just a little bit more money than I do,” said Bowles.
Meanwhile, Ryan announced several other near-term candidates for permanent orbit and defended the bipartisanship of his program.
“Hey, we’re willing to send both RINO’s and Democrats. Our short list currently has John McCain just ahead of Maxine Waters,” Ryan said.
Leading economists estimated that the controversial Republican proposal would reign in spending enough to eliminate deficit spending this year and pay off the national debt within three years.
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