University Professors Claim H1N1 Caused by Global Warming

In a stunning revelation from researchers at the University of East Anglia, it appears that university professors posing as scientists have discovered that the dreaded H1N1 influenza epidemic was caused directly by global warming.

“The story we were able to invent is just gripping. It demonstrates the need for both further research grants for me and the institution I work for and for a radical communist reorganization of human society,” said university professor Phil Jones.

According to professor Jones, global warming caused such drastic melting of the ice cap at the north pole that a previously frozen prehistoric pig was exposed from under the ice. A polar bear who was hungry because of a global warming damaged ecosystem with insufficient food happened upon the prehistoric pig and ate its carcass. The H1N1 virus was actually kept alive in the pig's carcass for millions of years because of the deep cold.

“This poor unfortunate polar bear was then killed by Eskimos who were also hungry because food was scarce because of global warming. Once the Eskimos ate the polar bear they contracted the virus. When one of them migrated to Mexico he got a bunch of people sick,” said professor Jones.

Reaction from the many in the media was cautious.

“Quick! We must ensure there are further grants made to professor Jones and the University of East Anglia so that this vital research can continue,” said CNN's Anderson Cooper.

MSNBC commentator Chris Matthews added, “This is the most compelling evidence yet that human society needs to undergo a radical communist reorganization.”

Fox News commentator Sean Hannity was more skeptical than most.

“Do we have any evidence that this actually happened? And isn't Phil Jones the guy who had his emails about hiding the results of his research exposed?” Hannity asked.

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs offered the official response of president Obama. Reading from a teleprompter Gates said, “Make no mistake, even if this research proves to be a fairy tale we are not going to let a good crisis go to waste. The President's cap and trade bill passed by the House will ensure that the ice caps refreeze, the polar bear vomits the pig, and the Eskimos will be free to join labor unions.”

When questioned further about the sketchy details Gibbs appeared impatient. He pushed to the ground a reporter from the Weekly Standard who had asked Gibbs where the remains of the polar bear were located.

Later, when Gibbs was questioned about the incident he replied, “Those guys were stalking us. They were sent from the Scott Brown campaign and they were Republican fascist hacks who don't deserve freedom of the press. And I helped him back up as soon as the cameras were turned off.”