In a recent appearance in Boston, undeclared GOP presidential candidate and former Alaska governor Sarah Palin reportedly angered historians by drawing attention to the ignorance of the press corps.
Palin angered the uneducated masses by telling them how Paul Revere had warned the British that the colonists were ready for them after his capture the night of his famous ride.
“You know, the way she relates things that members of the press could only know if they had actually read some US history is just insulting. Why should Palin expect members of the press to know stuff like that,” said an anonymous history professor in Boston.
“She’s obviously ignorant and so stupid that the GOP better not even think about nominating her,” the anonymous professor continued.
Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (Dimbulb – FL), recently elected chair of the Democratic National Committee tried to pour on the pressure.
“It’s just like, tacky, to have a token woman in a position of leadership who has no real skills or knowledge or whatever,” said Wasserman-Schultz at a news conference.
“She’s really, like, stupid and . . . you know, just . . . stupid,” said Wasserman-Schultz.
Other pundits and potential rivals took the opportunity to pile on as well.
“I intend the maximum amount of personal disrespect possible in my comments in order to serve as a deterrent. Sarah Palin is evil, stupid, uneducated and should stay out of politics. Since we here inside the beltway are afraid of what she stands for, if she goes ahead with her presidential run we will make things even more personal and try to make her life as miserable as possible. Don’t you dare run because we are scared to death of you, uh, because you are so incredibly stupid” said an anonymous Washington insider.
In a related story, after a few days of uncertainty, fellow GOP presidential contender Mitt Romney has admitted to having a frontal lobotomy since the 2008 presidential primary contest.
“Some people were scratching their heads when I said I actually believed in global warming at that New Hampshire town hall meeting. But just to put the rumors to bed, it was much easier to believe after having a full frontal lobotomy about a year back. It’s really helped me come across as much more intelligent than Sarah Palin in the right political circles,” Romney said.
Many praised Romney’s maturity and growing gravitas after the announcement.
“The fact that Romney has admitted to believing in a fabricated hoax shows that he’s somebody we can work with. I mean, he’d help us get back to the point where elections didn’t really matter that much,” said House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (Stalinist, CA).
“He’s obviously set himself apart from the rest of the field with these serious and mature policy positions. Palin, on the other hand, is just a stupid, evil wretch who should be silenced in order to protect our cherished Constitutional system of unsustainable big-government,” Pelosi said.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
Proposed Obama Budget ‘Miraculous’
Republican critics of President Obama have been caught off guard by the president’s recent budget proposal.
“I’m sure there is something I’m not seeing here. We are flat broke as a country and yet he somehow manages to increase spending in this proposed budget. It’s nothing short of a miracle. I don’t know where the money is coming from but I’m glad we still get to spend it. Some of us were thinking this fiscal responsibility stuff was going to ruin our fun,” said Senator John McCain (RINO, AZ).
Other Republicans were less optimistic in their appraisal of the situation. House Speaker John Boehner (R, OH) apparently fainted and had to be revived when shown the figures.
“Uh, I blacked out there for a second. I thought he actually proposed spending increases. It must be some kind of joke, right? I mean, he does realize that at some point you run out of money to spend – even if it’s other people’s money. He really gets that, right? He had me going there for a minute,” Boehner said.
The White House tried to downplay Republican reaction and strive for a more bipartisan tone in its dealings with Congress.
“Republicans are such small-minded anti-intellectuals. They mistakenly think that somehow there is a limit to government spending. It’s just a re-hash of all their old, worn-out ideas. That kind of mean-spirited, hateful thinking leads to racism, sexism, bigotry and Nazi death camps. Obviously they are in need of re-education,” new White House press secretary Jay Carney read from a teleprompter.
After recovering, at a nearby hospital, John Boehner sounded more confident than his initial response.
“There are lots of assumptions in this budget that trouble me. One of the budget provisions relies on taxing magical elves and the tooth fairy. Another one relies on the taxation of the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. While I applaud the president for his creativity, the rest of us are forced to only spend what we can get from non-magical and non-imaginary sources,” Boehner said.
House Democrats held a special press conference in order to advance the president’s budget and attack the Republicans for not doing more to create jobs.
“They’ve had like three weeks since they were sworn in. Why haven’t they fixed unemployment yet?” asked Loretta Sanchez (Prostitute, CA).
Former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (Stalinist, CA) echoed those sentiments.
“Why aren’t the Republicans focusing on jobs like we did? We made the economy our number one priority at least 15 times while trying to distract the nation so we could commit healthcare reform and battery. The Republicans are just being irresponsible racists for opposing our Dear Leader,” Pelosi said.
“Ronald Reagan wouldn’t have opposed this budget. He was bipartisan,” Pelosi said.
Reports that Ronald Reagan had turned over in his grave located at his presidential library in Simi Valley, California could not be confirmed before press time.
Vast Right Wing News staffers contributed to this report.
“I’m sure there is something I’m not seeing here. We are flat broke as a country and yet he somehow manages to increase spending in this proposed budget. It’s nothing short of a miracle. I don’t know where the money is coming from but I’m glad we still get to spend it. Some of us were thinking this fiscal responsibility stuff was going to ruin our fun,” said Senator John McCain (RINO, AZ).
Other Republicans were less optimistic in their appraisal of the situation. House Speaker John Boehner (R, OH) apparently fainted and had to be revived when shown the figures.
“Uh, I blacked out there for a second. I thought he actually proposed spending increases. It must be some kind of joke, right? I mean, he does realize that at some point you run out of money to spend – even if it’s other people’s money. He really gets that, right? He had me going there for a minute,” Boehner said.
The White House tried to downplay Republican reaction and strive for a more bipartisan tone in its dealings with Congress.
“Republicans are such small-minded anti-intellectuals. They mistakenly think that somehow there is a limit to government spending. It’s just a re-hash of all their old, worn-out ideas. That kind of mean-spirited, hateful thinking leads to racism, sexism, bigotry and Nazi death camps. Obviously they are in need of re-education,” new White House press secretary Jay Carney read from a teleprompter.
After recovering, at a nearby hospital, John Boehner sounded more confident than his initial response.
“There are lots of assumptions in this budget that trouble me. One of the budget provisions relies on taxing magical elves and the tooth fairy. Another one relies on the taxation of the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. While I applaud the president for his creativity, the rest of us are forced to only spend what we can get from non-magical and non-imaginary sources,” Boehner said.
House Democrats held a special press conference in order to advance the president’s budget and attack the Republicans for not doing more to create jobs.
“They’ve had like three weeks since they were sworn in. Why haven’t they fixed unemployment yet?” asked Loretta Sanchez (Prostitute, CA).
Former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (Stalinist, CA) echoed those sentiments.
“Why aren’t the Republicans focusing on jobs like we did? We made the economy our number one priority at least 15 times while trying to distract the nation so we could commit healthcare reform and battery. The Republicans are just being irresponsible racists for opposing our Dear Leader,” Pelosi said.
“Ronald Reagan wouldn’t have opposed this budget. He was bipartisan,” Pelosi said.
Reports that Ronald Reagan had turned over in his grave located at his presidential library in Simi Valley, California could not be confirmed before press time.
Vast Right Wing News staffers contributed to this report.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Whitehouse Admits Epic State of the Union Blunder
Outgoing Whitehouse press secretary Robert Gibbs admitted today that the White House committed a terrible blunder with last week’s state of the union address.
“As it turns out, we accidentally loaded the wrong speech into the teleprompter. We actually used the campaign stump speech from 2008. Frankly, I’m surprised it took everybody so long to figure this out. But we are a little embarrassed that none of us caught it either,” Gibbs read from a teleprompter.
House Speaker John Boehner (R – Ohio) said this helped explain why he felt like he had heard it all before.
“Like many people I found myself scratching my head. He was talking like he wasn’t responsible for the last two years or somehow hadn’t been in office yet. Now it makes complete sense. Of course, the mess is still his fault and we’re still planning to pound him over it,” said Boehner.
“I’d also like to take this opportunity to renew my challenge to the President to have a cage match to settle our budget differences,” said Boehner.
Some felt that the White House’s mistake was actually a brilliant strategic move.
“This totally lets him off the hook for anything he said. It’s as if he never made that disastrous speech. He’s just so smart he runs circles around all of us. We love our Dear Leader,” said former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (Maoist, CA).
Given the scale of such a mistake, some were also questioning whether Hillary Clinton had actually moved forward with her space-alien abduction scheme that had been uncovered by Wikileaks some months ago.
Republican political consultant Dick Morris said that the signs are very troubling.
“Whoever gave that speech last week didn’t seem to realize that it was the standard stump speech from the campaign. It’s hard to believe that a President of the United States would forget a speech he gave so many times – especially when all the guy does is give speeches,” said Morris.
“This makes me think that Obama has already been replaced by a senseless space alien stand-in and that phase one of Hillary’s plan to capture the White House in 2012 is already under way. Republicans beware,” said Morris.
When reached for comment, Ms. Clinton responded that she was, “too busy trying to engage islamofascist rebels in Egypt in meaningful, rational dialogue,” and could not comment on domestic affairs at this time.
Vast Right Wing News staffers contributed to this report.
“As it turns out, we accidentally loaded the wrong speech into the teleprompter. We actually used the campaign stump speech from 2008. Frankly, I’m surprised it took everybody so long to figure this out. But we are a little embarrassed that none of us caught it either,” Gibbs read from a teleprompter.
House Speaker John Boehner (R – Ohio) said this helped explain why he felt like he had heard it all before.
“Like many people I found myself scratching my head. He was talking like he wasn’t responsible for the last two years or somehow hadn’t been in office yet. Now it makes complete sense. Of course, the mess is still his fault and we’re still planning to pound him over it,” said Boehner.
“I’d also like to take this opportunity to renew my challenge to the President to have a cage match to settle our budget differences,” said Boehner.
Some felt that the White House’s mistake was actually a brilliant strategic move.
“This totally lets him off the hook for anything he said. It’s as if he never made that disastrous speech. He’s just so smart he runs circles around all of us. We love our Dear Leader,” said former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (Maoist, CA).
Given the scale of such a mistake, some were also questioning whether Hillary Clinton had actually moved forward with her space-alien abduction scheme that had been uncovered by Wikileaks some months ago.
Republican political consultant Dick Morris said that the signs are very troubling.
“Whoever gave that speech last week didn’t seem to realize that it was the standard stump speech from the campaign. It’s hard to believe that a President of the United States would forget a speech he gave so many times – especially when all the guy does is give speeches,” said Morris.
“This makes me think that Obama has already been replaced by a senseless space alien stand-in and that phase one of Hillary’s plan to capture the White House in 2012 is already under way. Republicans beware,” said Morris.
When reached for comment, Ms. Clinton responded that she was, “too busy trying to engage islamofascist rebels in Egypt in meaningful, rational dialogue,” and could not comment on domestic affairs at this time.
Vast Right Wing News staffers contributed to this report.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Democrats Accuse ‘Nazi’ Republicans of Gross Incivility
In the wake of the shooting of Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords in Tuscan earlier this month, many Democrat members of Congress claimed that Republicans’ over-the-top rhetoric was to blame.
“These fascist murderers just don’t know how to engage in polite public discourse. They are Nazis. They are racists. They are absolutely evil and there is no place for their kind of name-calling and incivility in American politics. What a bunch of insensitive retards,” said former White House Chief of Staff Rahm Immanuel.
“Not only are they sub-human Neanderthals who don’t know how to do anything but attach labels to their opponents, but their hateful, inciting rhetoric apparently inspires apolitical lunatics to go on shooting rampages. I mean, people like them should just be put down. Somebody out there needs to take matters into their own hands,” White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs read from a teleprompter.
Some pundits predicted that this would spell the end of the GOP.
“I know we said that the GOP and conservatism were dead and buried three years ago. But this time we really think it could happen,” said former DNC Chairman Howard Dean (Wacko, VT).
House Speaker John Boehner (R, Ohio) held a brief press conference to address the issue directly.
“Didn’t the Unabomber have a copy of Al Gore’s book in his cabin in Montana?” asked Boehner.
After several moments of stunned silence he concluded the conference.
“Thanks for coming. By the way, we are still going to repeal Obamacare," said Boehner.
Vast Right Wing News staffers contributed to this report.
“These fascist murderers just don’t know how to engage in polite public discourse. They are Nazis. They are racists. They are absolutely evil and there is no place for their kind of name-calling and incivility in American politics. What a bunch of insensitive retards,” said former White House Chief of Staff Rahm Immanuel.
“Not only are they sub-human Neanderthals who don’t know how to do anything but attach labels to their opponents, but their hateful, inciting rhetoric apparently inspires apolitical lunatics to go on shooting rampages. I mean, people like them should just be put down. Somebody out there needs to take matters into their own hands,” White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs read from a teleprompter.
Some pundits predicted that this would spell the end of the GOP.
“I know we said that the GOP and conservatism were dead and buried three years ago. But this time we really think it could happen,” said former DNC Chairman Howard Dean (Wacko, VT).
House Speaker John Boehner (R, Ohio) held a brief press conference to address the issue directly.
“Didn’t the Unabomber have a copy of Al Gore’s book in his cabin in Montana?” asked Boehner.
After several moments of stunned silence he concluded the conference.
“Thanks for coming. By the way, we are still going to repeal Obamacare," said Boehner.
Vast Right Wing News staffers contributed to this report.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Freak Bird Kill and Fish Kill in Arkansas Linked to Racist Republicans
The NAACP announced Tuesday that it believes the strange bird kill that happened on New Year’s Day in the small town of Beebe, Arkansas and the unusual fish kill on the Arkansas river about 125 miles away the next day are part of a racist plot to suppress black voter turnout in 2012.
“What were all the birds that mysteriously turned up dead? They were black birds. What were all the fish that mysteriously turned up dead? They were drums. This is clearly right-wing fascist Republican code. Black people with rhythm are the target. They are threatening to kill black people who go to the polls in 2012. Down with the white interlopers!” said Rev. Al Sharpton, commenting on the news release from the NAACP.
While most other scientists and commentators were perplexed about the two apparently freak occurrences in Arkansas, others offered up some interesting theories.
“I would like to completely endorse Reverend Sharpton’s assessment. And I’d like to add that I believe Republicans have entered into a pact with space aliens to harvest our wildlife as part of their sick obsession with deficit reduction. Their racists and speciesist depravity knows no bounds,” said former Democratic National Committee chairman Howard Dean.
“Anyone who is fed up by this can get aluminum foil hats to protect animals around them from alien wildlife harvesting by sending a small donation of $25,000 to the DNC,” Dean foamed from his mouth while struggling with his straight jacket.
Word had spread late in the day that the Obama Administration was considering a Justice Department investigation of the Republican National Committee over the bird kill and dish kill incidents.
“We realize there is no evidence to back up these allegations of extraterrestrial racism. But the seriousness of the charge justifies further investigation. This is something we just can’t ignore,” Attorney General Eric Holder read from a teleprompter.
When questioned whether this meant that the New Black Panther Party in Philadelphia would now be investigated for voter intimidation for blocking access to the polls for some voters in 2008 Holder replied, “there’s really no reason to look into that. A couple of guys brandishing night sticks whenever white voters or known Uncle Toms try to get into the polls is not a big deal. I mean, what reasonable person would be intimidated by that? We’re satisfied with the outcome of that investigation”
When reached for comment at the Camp David golf course President Obama was supportive of the Attorney General.
“Make no mistake. We need to get to the bottom of this in order to destroy any Republican credibility as quickly as possible. We just know they’re evil. We just have to come up with a way to show it to the American people,” President Obama read from a teleprompter while preparing for the 16th hole.
“What were all the birds that mysteriously turned up dead? They were black birds. What were all the fish that mysteriously turned up dead? They were drums. This is clearly right-wing fascist Republican code. Black people with rhythm are the target. They are threatening to kill black people who go to the polls in 2012. Down with the white interlopers!” said Rev. Al Sharpton, commenting on the news release from the NAACP.
While most other scientists and commentators were perplexed about the two apparently freak occurrences in Arkansas, others offered up some interesting theories.
“I would like to completely endorse Reverend Sharpton’s assessment. And I’d like to add that I believe Republicans have entered into a pact with space aliens to harvest our wildlife as part of their sick obsession with deficit reduction. Their racists and speciesist depravity knows no bounds,” said former Democratic National Committee chairman Howard Dean.
“Anyone who is fed up by this can get aluminum foil hats to protect animals around them from alien wildlife harvesting by sending a small donation of $25,000 to the DNC,” Dean foamed from his mouth while struggling with his straight jacket.
Word had spread late in the day that the Obama Administration was considering a Justice Department investigation of the Republican National Committee over the bird kill and dish kill incidents.
“We realize there is no evidence to back up these allegations of extraterrestrial racism. But the seriousness of the charge justifies further investigation. This is something we just can’t ignore,” Attorney General Eric Holder read from a teleprompter.
When questioned whether this meant that the New Black Panther Party in Philadelphia would now be investigated for voter intimidation for blocking access to the polls for some voters in 2008 Holder replied, “there’s really no reason to look into that. A couple of guys brandishing night sticks whenever white voters or known Uncle Toms try to get into the polls is not a big deal. I mean, what reasonable person would be intimidated by that? We’re satisfied with the outcome of that investigation”
When reached for comment at the Camp David golf course President Obama was supportive of the Attorney General.
“Make no mistake. We need to get to the bottom of this in order to destroy any Republican credibility as quickly as possible. We just know they’re evil. We just have to come up with a way to show it to the American people,” President Obama read from a teleprompter while preparing for the 16th hole.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Obama Declares National Emergency
As negotiations to push through several bills in the lame duck session of Congress were stalling, President Obama declared a national state of emergency and announced draconian steps to force progress on his legislative priorities.
“Make no mistake. If Republicans do not act on our very reasonable proposals to shackle future generations of Americans with insurmountable debt, it may delay my scheduled departure for my 37th vacation of the year,” President Obama read from a teleprompter.
“I am heading to Hawaii and if I’m late, Michelle will kill me. This is a national emergency that requires extraordinary measures to overcome,” Obama continued.
After his brief introduction, the President announced that he was too busy to continue explaining all the tedious details of his controversial declaration and that he had asked former president Jimmy Carter to take over the remainder of his scheduled press conference.
“All Republicans will be forced to live in prison camps in the frozen tundra of North Dakota until Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid have finished plundering the country for the good of their union cronies,” Mr. Carter read from a teleprompter.
“Am I reading that right? I can’t see too good anymore. I can’t wait to read the rest of this. I hope there’s something in here that sticks it to the Zionist regime,” said Mr. Carter, who turned 86 this year.
Republican reaction from Capitol Hill was varied.
“Uh, I’m pretty sure he can’t do that,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (Weenie - KY).
Soon-to-be Speaker of the House John Boehner (R – Ohio) had a different take on the President’s emergency declaration.
“I’m not going to any prison camp so some union thugs can get their payoff. Personally, I’m going to arm myself to the teeth when I head to the House floor. Anybody who tries to stop me from casting a vote is going to have to negotiate with Smith and Wesson. I encourage all other Republican House members to do the same,” said Mr. Boehner.
As news of President Obama’s emergency declaration spread, reaction from the public was mixed. It was reported that an angry mob of 150,000 people wielding pitchforks had gathered spontaneously at the southern edge of the Washington, D.C. Beltway and was planning to invade shortly.
“Since nobody paid attention to our votes in November we are forced to resort to the time-honored ‘pitchfork’ method of enacting legislative change,” said one protester.
A counter rally was staged in the suburbs north of D.C. by most major U.S. media outlets. Several contributors chartered buses and airplanes and handed out bribes to anyone who would stay in the crowd.
“Being a Republican is now officially a crime. We should silence them all before they do anything else to threaten freedom of speech. They’re all puppets of the Zionist regime anyway,” said a college professor attending the rally who gave his students extra credit for attending.
“Hey, I’m just here ‘cause some dude promised me he’d give me a twenty if I hung out long enough. I have no idea what this is all about. I just hope I don’t have to sit next to the same smelly hippy guy on the bus ride back,” said another protester.
“Make no mistake. If Republicans do not act on our very reasonable proposals to shackle future generations of Americans with insurmountable debt, it may delay my scheduled departure for my 37th vacation of the year,” President Obama read from a teleprompter.
“I am heading to Hawaii and if I’m late, Michelle will kill me. This is a national emergency that requires extraordinary measures to overcome,” Obama continued.
After his brief introduction, the President announced that he was too busy to continue explaining all the tedious details of his controversial declaration and that he had asked former president Jimmy Carter to take over the remainder of his scheduled press conference.
“All Republicans will be forced to live in prison camps in the frozen tundra of North Dakota until Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid have finished plundering the country for the good of their union cronies,” Mr. Carter read from a teleprompter.
“Am I reading that right? I can’t see too good anymore. I can’t wait to read the rest of this. I hope there’s something in here that sticks it to the Zionist regime,” said Mr. Carter, who turned 86 this year.
Republican reaction from Capitol Hill was varied.
“Uh, I’m pretty sure he can’t do that,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (Weenie - KY).
Soon-to-be Speaker of the House John Boehner (R – Ohio) had a different take on the President’s emergency declaration.
“I’m not going to any prison camp so some union thugs can get their payoff. Personally, I’m going to arm myself to the teeth when I head to the House floor. Anybody who tries to stop me from casting a vote is going to have to negotiate with Smith and Wesson. I encourage all other Republican House members to do the same,” said Mr. Boehner.
As news of President Obama’s emergency declaration spread, reaction from the public was mixed. It was reported that an angry mob of 150,000 people wielding pitchforks had gathered spontaneously at the southern edge of the Washington, D.C. Beltway and was planning to invade shortly.
“Since nobody paid attention to our votes in November we are forced to resort to the time-honored ‘pitchfork’ method of enacting legislative change,” said one protester.
A counter rally was staged in the suburbs north of D.C. by most major U.S. media outlets. Several contributors chartered buses and airplanes and handed out bribes to anyone who would stay in the crowd.
“Being a Republican is now officially a crime. We should silence them all before they do anything else to threaten freedom of speech. They’re all puppets of the Zionist regime anyway,” said a college professor attending the rally who gave his students extra credit for attending.
“Hey, I’m just here ‘cause some dude promised me he’d give me a twenty if I hung out long enough. I have no idea what this is all about. I just hope I don’t have to sit next to the same smelly hippy guy on the bus ride back,” said another protester.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Obama Compromises with GOP on Tax Rate Extension
Details of President Obama’s compromise over tax rates with Congressional Republicans are slowly coming to light as more and more information is shared from both the White House and Congressional leaders.
“The current tax rates will be extended for two more years and we will push through an extension of unemployment benefits. The President also has to wear a dunce cap at his next press conference and pick up my dry cleaning for the next six months,” said current House Minority Leader John Boehner (R – Ohio).
When asked about the compromise President Obama was evasive about the details.
“Make no mistake. The Republicans got some of what they wanted and we got some of what we wanted. That’s the way compromise works,” Obama read from a teleprompter. But he had no other explanation for the dunce cap on his head.
Pressed further, Obama became angry and defensive.
“Look, at one point Boehner’s telling me that they’re going to play pin the tail on the donkey, OK? I either let the tax rate thing go or I end up in the emergency room with a nail in my butt. And with my Obamacare thing already taking effect, who knows how long it will take them to fix that? The guy has some leverage right now,” Obama read from a teleprompter.
“And in case anyone is curious, Boehner likes his shirts lightly starched and he picked out the color of my dunce cap for this press conference. Happy now?” Obama read from a teleprompter.
Leftwing members of the Democrat party voiced their dismay at Obama compromising so easily.
“We need social justice. These robber baron criminals who make over $250,000 a year are a bunch of evil Nazis as far as I’m concerned. We need their money. How dare they withhold it from us? The President has caved too easily. I mean, who cares if we lost 61 seats in the House? That’s not the chamber I sit in,” said Senator Claire McCaskill (Nutcase, MO).
Hugo Chavez, also in the left-wing of the Democrat caucus voiced similar sentiments.
“I’m not sure where people got this insane idea that if they earn money they get to keep it. I don’t care if we lose every election in the future over this issue. If we don’t get to spend other people’s money there isn’t much point in elective office anyway,” said Chavez (D – Venezuela).
Meanwhile, the S&P 500, NYSE and NASDAQ markets were up an average of 97.38% on the news that a compromise on extending current tax rates had been reached. Many traders and brokers voiced relief.
“Hey, it looks like I’ll get to keep some of my own money next year. Maybe I won’t have to buy the Unabomber’s cabin in Montana as a hideout,” said one financial worker who asked not to be identified.
When reached for comment, Ted Kaczynski sounded more sane than Claire McCaskill.
“You know sometimes you lose political battles and you have to either accept it or become a crazed loner eco-terrorist. I think McCaskill really ought to just let this thing go,” Kaczynski said.
“The current tax rates will be extended for two more years and we will push through an extension of unemployment benefits. The President also has to wear a dunce cap at his next press conference and pick up my dry cleaning for the next six months,” said current House Minority Leader John Boehner (R – Ohio).
When asked about the compromise President Obama was evasive about the details.
“Make no mistake. The Republicans got some of what they wanted and we got some of what we wanted. That’s the way compromise works,” Obama read from a teleprompter. But he had no other explanation for the dunce cap on his head.
Pressed further, Obama became angry and defensive.
“Look, at one point Boehner’s telling me that they’re going to play pin the tail on the donkey, OK? I either let the tax rate thing go or I end up in the emergency room with a nail in my butt. And with my Obamacare thing already taking effect, who knows how long it will take them to fix that? The guy has some leverage right now,” Obama read from a teleprompter.
“And in case anyone is curious, Boehner likes his shirts lightly starched and he picked out the color of my dunce cap for this press conference. Happy now?” Obama read from a teleprompter.
Leftwing members of the Democrat party voiced their dismay at Obama compromising so easily.
“We need social justice. These robber baron criminals who make over $250,000 a year are a bunch of evil Nazis as far as I’m concerned. We need their money. How dare they withhold it from us? The President has caved too easily. I mean, who cares if we lost 61 seats in the House? That’s not the chamber I sit in,” said Senator Claire McCaskill (Nutcase, MO).
Hugo Chavez, also in the left-wing of the Democrat caucus voiced similar sentiments.
“I’m not sure where people got this insane idea that if they earn money they get to keep it. I don’t care if we lose every election in the future over this issue. If we don’t get to spend other people’s money there isn’t much point in elective office anyway,” said Chavez (D – Venezuela).
Meanwhile, the S&P 500, NYSE and NASDAQ markets were up an average of 97.38% on the news that a compromise on extending current tax rates had been reached. Many traders and brokers voiced relief.
“Hey, it looks like I’ll get to keep some of my own money next year. Maybe I won’t have to buy the Unabomber’s cabin in Montana as a hideout,” said one financial worker who asked not to be identified.
When reached for comment, Ted Kaczynski sounded more sane than Claire McCaskill.
“You know sometimes you lose political battles and you have to either accept it or become a crazed loner eco-terrorist. I think McCaskill really ought to just let this thing go,” Kaczynski said.
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