As yet another clash occurred between Japanese whaling ships and the Sea Shepherd's anti-whaling boat, the Kill the Whales Foundation announced a new study that proves global warming is a direct result of the overpopulation of whales.
"In the most comprehensive study of its kind, the Kill the Whales Foundation has positively and causally linked the population of whales and whale-related species to the mean atmospheric temperature of the earth," said Henrick Olsson, Kill the Whales Foundation spokesman.
"More whales equals higher temperature. It's that simple. And it requires the immediate eradication of all whales," Olsson said.
Climate researchers at the University of East Anglia were asked to examine the results and offer another opinion on the findings of the Kill The Whales report.
"As much as this pains me, we have held this study up to the exact same kind of scientific rigor and scrutiny that we have used in our own studies and we are unable to refute it. Killing the whales will save the planet from immediate destruction. There is no other possible conclusion," said climate researcher Phil Jones.
Reaction from the Obama administration was handled somewhat clumsily.
"We would like to congratulate corpseman Olsson for his study that totally contradicts everything we've been saying for 30 years," President Obama read from a teleprompter.
"Will you retards please update this teleprompter thing before reading it gets me into trouble? I mean, I think I just endorsed killing whales and I'm not sure my retard base will help me with a second attempt to commit healthcare reform if I'm telling America to kill all the whales out there. Can we invite the Republicans to kill the whales, too? Then maybe it won't look so bad," Obama said.
Meanwhile in the frozen waters of the antarctic, the crew of the Bob Barker was rammed by another Japanese whaling vessel sponsored by the Kill the Whales Foundation.
"It was awful," said an anonymous crewmember.
"They were singing cumbaya on the deck and lulled us into kind of a trance. And just when we started to snap out of it, one of them yelled 'Look! It's Mao Tse Tung!' We were so disoriented looking for chairman Mao that the next thing we new we were being smashed by a multi-ton trawler," said the crewmember.
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There was a news article a couple of weeks ago about a positive correlation between increased average temperature and growth rate of trees. It's the trees that are causing global warming! Or maybe it's all the snow we've been getting -- isn't that supposed to be related to global warming as well? ;)
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