Supreme Court Decides First Amendment Is OK

In what is being described as a landmark decision, the Supreme Court today issued a ruling in the Citizens United vs Federal Election Commission case. The decision throws out much of the Bipartisan Campaign Reform Act of 2002 - known widely as the McCain-Feingold bill.

“It turns out that we have this thing in the Constitution called the First Amendment which protects political speech. Most of us were all blown away when Clarence Thomas pointed it out to us. We thought that was a really cool idea,” said Justice Anthony Kennedy.

Justice Ruth Bader-Ginsberg wrote the dissenting opinion. She disagreed strongly with the majority in this decision.

“If we can’t tell people what political speech is acceptable then it will mean fewer Justices like me on this court. I mean, I’m set for life, but what about future generations of socialists who will be perpetually out of power if the American people are allowed to express their opinions openly? Freedom of speech isn't the issue here. We need to promote the agenda I agree with,” Bader-Ginsberg said.

Reaction on Capitol Hill was also somewhat polarized. Senator John McCain (RINO, AZ) who had a large part in passing the bill disagreed with the court’s decision as well.

“Surely something as trivial as the Constitution and this alleged ‘First Amendment’ can be set aside so I can pander to the left, get good press in the Washington Post and get invited to lots of parties inside the beltway,” McCain said.

Reaction from Democrats was also quite negative.

“Giving the average American the opportunity to voice his opinions by donating money to an advocacy group is just a bad idea for democracy. The average American is not smart enough to understand how important our work is. They listen to things like talk radio and watch things like Fox News. We don’t want to hear their opinions which is why we tried to make those opinions illegal in the first place,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (Stalinist, CA).

In a telephone poll of 1,200 likely voters conducted by Vast Right Wing News, respondents were largely in favor of the Supreme Court’s ruling today. 97.8% of respondents said they were at least very likely to tell their Congressman and Senators to shut up and listen to them for a change.

0.5% of those polled thought the ruling, “endangered the proletarian Marxist revolution for social justice.” As it turns out, the polling organization accidentally called multiple White House extensions in this survey and feels that this particular category is somewhat overstated.