Trying to show more openness, President Obama has invited Republicans to a televised cage match to resolve the healthcare reform logjam on Capitol Hill.
“Make no mistake. We will slam heads into turnbuckles. We will rake faces. We will put people in a suplex. We will do whatever it takes to beat the Republicans into submission so we can pass our reform bill which will shackle America forever into the future,” Obama read from a teleprompter.
White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel added further that, “I can't wait to get these guys in the ring and beat them up on national television. The whole world is gonna watch us rock their world. Yeah, baby!”
Republican reaction to the President's overtures was cautious.
“We expect to remain miles apart on healthcare reform even after we've finished bashing in Emmanuel's head,” said House Minority Leader John Boehner (R – Ohio).
Senator Mitch McConnel (R – KY) said he expected a great tag team match up between him and Boehner and Emmanuel and Health and Human Services Secretary, Kathleen Sebelius.
“Boehner and I used to do this kind of stuff back in '94 when Newt started using it as a way to settle differences within the caucus. John and I tag-teamed against Arlen Spector and Ray LaHood once. Spector had to have reconstructive surgery on his -- well -- I'll just say I wasn't surprised that he finally left the party,” said McConnell.
Boehner similarly expressed confidence in the Republican side's chances. At a press conference Boehner ripped a phone book in half, got his face within two inches of the nearest television camera, and challenged his opponents to come up with a better plan.
“You whiny big-government liberal girly-men need to come up with a plan that doesn't destroy the best healthcare system in the world. Ya say ya gonna rock my world, huh? You better watch yourselves in the ring sissy boys. I might have a folding chair waiting on you. I'm coming to get you. And there's no place you can run and hide,” said Boehner.
When asked to comment on the upcoming healthcare summit, White House press secretary Robert Gibbs expressed his dismay.
“You have two white men threatening to beat up a woman who is a cabinet secretary. That just shows the Republican gender bias,” Gibbs read from a teleprompter.
In response, Boehner and McConnell reportedly offered to let former Prime Minister of Great Britain, Margaret Thatcher, stand in for one of them.
“At age 85, the Iron Lady can still beat your whiny little liberal behind. Long live freedom! WOOOO!” said Boehner.
Thatcher's office was reportedly making arrangements to attend the cage match on the 25th of this month.
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