Freak Bird Kill and Fish Kill in Arkansas Linked to Racist Republicans

The NAACP announced Tuesday that it believes the strange bird kill that happened on New Year’s Day in the small town of Beebe, Arkansas and the unusual fish kill on the Arkansas river about 125 miles away the next day are part of a racist plot to suppress black voter turnout in 2012.

“What were all the birds that mysteriously turned up dead? They were black birds. What were all the fish that mysteriously turned up dead? They were drums. This is clearly right-wing fascist Republican code. Black people with rhythm are the target. They are threatening to kill black people who go to the polls in 2012. Down with the white interlopers!” said Rev. Al Sharpton, commenting on the news release from the NAACP.

While most other scientists and commentators were perplexed about the two apparently freak occurrences in Arkansas, others offered up some interesting theories.

“I would like to completely endorse Reverend Sharpton’s assessment. And I’d like to add that I believe Republicans have entered into a pact with space aliens to harvest our wildlife as part of their sick obsession with deficit reduction. Their racists and speciesist depravity knows no bounds,” said former Democratic National Committee chairman Howard Dean.

“Anyone who is fed up by this can get aluminum foil hats to protect animals around them from alien wildlife harvesting by sending a small donation of $25,000 to the DNC,” Dean foamed from his mouth while struggling with his straight jacket.

Word had spread late in the day that the Obama Administration was considering a Justice Department investigation of the Republican National Committee over the bird kill and dish kill incidents.

“We realize there is no evidence to back up these allegations of extraterrestrial racism. But the seriousness of the charge justifies further investigation. This is something we just can’t ignore,” Attorney General Eric Holder read from a teleprompter.

When questioned whether this meant that the New Black Panther Party in Philadelphia would now be investigated for voter intimidation for blocking access to the polls for some voters in 2008 Holder replied, “there’s really no reason to look into that. A couple of guys brandishing night sticks whenever white voters or known Uncle Toms try to get into the polls is not a big deal. I mean, what reasonable person would be intimidated by that? We’re satisfied with the outcome of that investigation”

When reached for comment at the Camp David golf course President Obama was supportive of the Attorney General.

“Make no mistake. We need to get to the bottom of this in order to destroy any Republican credibility as quickly as possible. We just know they’re evil. We just have to come up with a way to show it to the American people,” President Obama read from a teleprompter while preparing for the 16th hole.