Obama to Blame Bush in State of the Union Speech

Early indications from the White House are that President Obama will blame former President Bush for many of the current issues facing the country in tomorrow evening’s State of the Union address.

“Make no mistake. The current state of the economy with unemployment over 10% is 100% George Bush’s fault,” White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs read from a teleprompter.

“The fact that unemployment has gone up since our administration came into office must be because Dick Cheney maneuvered behind the scenes to hide the real numbers,” said Gibbs.

According to White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel, the economy is just the first in a long list of issues that Obama plans to blame on Bush.

“The blame for the recent growth of Al Qaeda in Yemen can be placed squarely on Bush. We maintained all along that Bush should have concentrated on the real war in Yemen, instead of getting diverted into Iraq and Afghanistan,” Emmanuel said.

“The Senate’s inability to pass the President’s Health Care Reform bill is also George W. Bush’s fault. And if Bush had done more to prevent global warming we might never have had the H1N1 outbreak or the earthquake in Haiti,” Emmanual continued.

Representatives from Hugo Chavez’s office (D – Venezuela) reportedly contacted the White House asking to hold a joint press conference to further explain how George W. Bush caused the Haitian earthquake. Emmanuel declined to comment on Chavez’s request stating that, “our good friend Hugo knows where we stand on this.”

When asked if the president had any positive things to highlight in his speech Emmanuel responded that, “We are going to announce a freeze on spending anything that can’t be used to buy votes. If we’re going to put future generations into bondage with our incomprehensible deficit spending, we at least ought to get some short term, political benefit from it. You can never let a good crisis go to waste.”

Supreme Court Decides First Amendment Is OK

In what is being described as a landmark decision, the Supreme Court today issued a ruling in the Citizens United vs Federal Election Commission case. The decision throws out much of the Bipartisan Campaign Reform Act of 2002 - known widely as the McCain-Feingold bill.

“It turns out that we have this thing in the Constitution called the First Amendment which protects political speech. Most of us were all blown away when Clarence Thomas pointed it out to us. We thought that was a really cool idea,” said Justice Anthony Kennedy.

Justice Ruth Bader-Ginsberg wrote the dissenting opinion. She disagreed strongly with the majority in this decision.

“If we can’t tell people what political speech is acceptable then it will mean fewer Justices like me on this court. I mean, I’m set for life, but what about future generations of socialists who will be perpetually out of power if the American people are allowed to express their opinions openly? Freedom of speech isn't the issue here. We need to promote the agenda I agree with,” Bader-Ginsberg said.

Reaction on Capitol Hill was also somewhat polarized. Senator John McCain (RINO, AZ) who had a large part in passing the bill disagreed with the court’s decision as well.

“Surely something as trivial as the Constitution and this alleged ‘First Amendment’ can be set aside so I can pander to the left, get good press in the Washington Post and get invited to lots of parties inside the beltway,” McCain said.

Reaction from Democrats was also quite negative.

“Giving the average American the opportunity to voice his opinions by donating money to an advocacy group is just a bad idea for democracy. The average American is not smart enough to understand how important our work is. They listen to things like talk radio and watch things like Fox News. We don’t want to hear their opinions which is why we tried to make those opinions illegal in the first place,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (Stalinist, CA).

In a telephone poll of 1,200 likely voters conducted by Vast Right Wing News, respondents were largely in favor of the Supreme Court’s ruling today. 97.8% of respondents said they were at least very likely to tell their Congressman and Senators to shut up and listen to them for a change.

0.5% of those polled thought the ruling, “endangered the proletarian Marxist revolution for social justice.” As it turns out, the polling organization accidentally called multiple White House extensions in this survey and feels that this particular category is somewhat overstated.

Democrats See Subtle Messages in MA Election Results

Democrats in Washington say they have been carefully sifting through exit polling data from Massachusetts to find subtle messages about their direction and the mood of voters.

White House political adviser David Axelrod said that the findings are subtle and nuanced.

“According to our careful, internal polling, 75% of Independents, 99% of Republicans and 40% of Democrats wish liberals in Congress and the White House would all drop dead. We're pretty sure that spells trouble for Republicans as well though. I mean, at 99% they are pretty divided as a party. And we're sure this has nothing to do with our efforts to ram through a health care reform bill that only polls well among Taliban suicide bombers,” Axelrod said.

Even as members of the Obama administration made their explanations, Democrats in Congress appeared to be losing their appetite for the health care reform bill. Jim Webb (Dimbulb – VA) was quick to say that no further votes should be taken on the health care bill until Scott Brown, the winner of Tuesday's special election, was seated in the Senate.

“I just think that if we try to move on this bill before this guy gets his seat that we will be dealing with a Bastille Day type thing on Capitol Hill. Every time I get outside the beltway all I see are peasants with pitchforks. That can't be a good sign,” Webb said.

“I mean, if these guys remember that I voted for this bill I might have to go back to writing pornographic novels or something,” Webb said.

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich had some advice for Democrats and Republicans alike in the aftermath of the election.

“First of all, I want to say to Jim Webb that we don't care how quickly he backtracks away from this bill. We remember how he voted when he thought it mattered. He is toast and it's already too late,” Gingrich said. And then paused long enough to suppress a fit of hysterical laughter.

“Second, I want to say to Republicans that if you can win running as a conservative in Taxachussetts then you better get a clue and figure out that the American people want you to be conservative. Hope I'm not talking down to you guys too much,” Gingrich said.

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs tried to downplay the significance of the election results.

“Make no mistake. While we got our butts kicked in a state that elected Ted Kennedy to the Senate for life and that has sent Barney Frank back to Congress for 30 years, we believe that ultimately, Marsha Coakley really just ran a bad campaign,” Gibbs read from a teleprompter.

“What's that? Oh, Martha Coakley. Yeah that was the name of the person we worked with so closely to win Ted Kennedy's seat back. I just couldn't remember her name,” Gibbs said after an aide whispered in his ear for a few awkward moments.

Chavez Says US Occupying Haiti in the Name of Aid

In his weekly television show, Venezuelan President (D, Venezuela) accused the United States of using the aftermath of the Haitian earthquake as an excuse to take over and occupy Haiti.

“They have sent 3,000 marines into Haiti. And they brought their guns. Why would US Marines need guns in a destabilized country with no infrastructure and which is plagued by violent roving mobs?” asked Chavez.

Chavez also suggested that the earthquake was caused by the United States to further their imperialist goals of world domination. According to Chavez, the US had been waiting for the opportunity to invade natural-resource-deprived Haiti because of its strategic position in the Caribbean where it isn't close to anything of importance.

“You have to understand, my people, that the United States is pure evil and anything you may hear that is good is an outright lie – punishable by death,” said Chavez.

Reaction from the White House was swift and decisive.

“Make no mistake. We have called this press conference to show Mr. Chavez that we are tough and are not afraid of anyone,” White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs read from a teleprompter.

“We feel that Mr. Chavez's comments are unfortunate and we wish he was willing to discuss our minor disagreement over a beer,” said Gibbs.

“And besides, with all the debt we just incurred, what makes him think we can afford to send Marines with bullets?” said Gibbs.

Republicans in Congress were somewhat less accommodating.

“That fat narco-terrorist has sent over 11,000 crazed FARC communist gunmen into Columbia to murder women and children over the last ten years. And he thinks because we send Marines in to help restore order in the aftermath of a genuine tragedy that we are invading? What a miserable piece of human refuse,” said Representative Eric Cantor (R – Virginia).

“You can quote me on that,” said Cantor.

Cantor also challenged Chavez to an ultimate fighting cage match and made comments about wishing to meet Chavez in a dark alley with a Louisville Slugger.

Attempts to gain further comments from Chavez were unsuccessful.

University Professors Claim H1N1 Caused by Global Warming

In a stunning revelation from researchers at the University of East Anglia, it appears that university professors posing as scientists have discovered that the dreaded H1N1 influenza epidemic was caused directly by global warming.

“The story we were able to invent is just gripping. It demonstrates the need for both further research grants for me and the institution I work for and for a radical communist reorganization of human society,” said university professor Phil Jones.

According to professor Jones, global warming caused such drastic melting of the ice cap at the north pole that a previously frozen prehistoric pig was exposed from under the ice. A polar bear who was hungry because of a global warming damaged ecosystem with insufficient food happened upon the prehistoric pig and ate its carcass. The H1N1 virus was actually kept alive in the pig's carcass for millions of years because of the deep cold.

“This poor unfortunate polar bear was then killed by Eskimos who were also hungry because food was scarce because of global warming. Once the Eskimos ate the polar bear they contracted the virus. When one of them migrated to Mexico he got a bunch of people sick,” said professor Jones.

Reaction from the many in the media was cautious.

“Quick! We must ensure there are further grants made to professor Jones and the University of East Anglia so that this vital research can continue,” said CNN's Anderson Cooper.

MSNBC commentator Chris Matthews added, “This is the most compelling evidence yet that human society needs to undergo a radical communist reorganization.”

Fox News commentator Sean Hannity was more skeptical than most.

“Do we have any evidence that this actually happened? And isn't Phil Jones the guy who had his emails about hiding the results of his research exposed?” Hannity asked.

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs offered the official response of president Obama. Reading from a teleprompter Gates said, “Make no mistake, even if this research proves to be a fairy tale we are not going to let a good crisis go to waste. The President's cap and trade bill passed by the House will ensure that the ice caps refreeze, the polar bear vomits the pig, and the Eskimos will be free to join labor unions.”

When questioned further about the sketchy details Gibbs appeared impatient. He pushed to the ground a reporter from the Weekly Standard who had asked Gibbs where the remains of the polar bear were located.

Later, when Gibbs was questioned about the incident he replied, “Those guys were stalking us. They were sent from the Scott Brown campaign and they were Republican fascist hacks who don't deserve freedom of the press. And I helped him back up as soon as the cameras were turned off.”

Antarctic Whale Wars Twist

Disturbing new details are emerging on the collision between a Japanese whaling vessel and the Sea Shepherd Conservation Society's anti-whaling speedboat, the Ady Gil.

According to anonymous sources, the Japanese whaling ship involved in the collision was actually an undercover boat sponsored by the Kill The Whales Foundation – a group whose Facebook site claims they are working toward the eventual genocide of all whales and whale-related species.

“We were aware that the hippies were in the area so we deployed our Shark IV boat to dispatch them. The real difficulty was how to get a speedboat to stay stationary long enough for a multi-ton fishing boat to ram it. But we have some tricks up our sleeves,” said a source from the Kill the Whales Foundation who asked not to be identified because he is not authorized to speak to the media.

“Sometimes we'll have someone on the deck with a guitar singing Cumbaya – that usually holds them still long enough. If that doesn't do the job we can usually distract them by pointing in a different direction and shouting something like, 'look, it's Mao Tse-Tung,'” the source said.

The Kill the Whales foundation claims to have four "Shark" boats in the waters off Antarctica that will be used to protect innocent whalers from radical environmentalists in speedboats. The "Shark" boats have recently been deployed because funding was made available from President Obama's massive stimulus bill.

“It's a good thing nobody looked into that stimulus bill thing before it passed. There was a staffer with Barney Frank's office who was sympathetic to our cause. Well, we actually black-mailed him into slipping our funding into the bill. Once Obama signed the bill we had the funds to buy our boats and proceed with our organization's important goals,” said the source.

Representative from the office of Barney Frank (Trotskyite, MA) denied he was the source of the funding and refused to speak further with Vast Right Wing News.

"We think we should spend even more on Fannie Mae. Now get off my phone," the person who answered the phone said.

Obama Sends Tough Message to Yemen

Washington, DC – In a move being hailed by Democrats, President Obama made a tough stand against Yemeni terrorist threats by holding a press conference.

“Make no mistake. I will continue to hold press conferences until the unpleasant elements in Yemen understand that I mean business,” President Obama read from his teleprompter.

“This is just the sort of leadership we need to protect us from the extremist religious elements we’re dealing with. Too bad Bush dropped bombs from 20,000 feet and terrorized women and children instead of holding manly press conferences like this,” said David Axelrod, the President’s political advisor.

“This sends a tough message to the Arab street. We have started calling it the Obama Doctrine,” Axelrod said.

In an attempt to verify the effectiveness of the Obama Doctrine, Vast Right Wing News conducted extensive phone surveys of Yemeni terrorists. 0.017% of terrorist respondents said that Obama’s policy would “somewhat affect” their decision to try to blow up American interests. While 57.9% responded that the President’s strategy made them “somewhat more likely” to shout curses directed at the president while conducting suicide bombing runs.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney, an outspoken critic of the Obama Doctrine, was troubled by the survey results.

“According to this excellent research from my favorite news source, we are flat-out doomed. I doubt this empty-headed dolt can even tie his own shoes,” Cheney said.

Axelrod and others were quick to jump to the President’s defense.

“Cheney is just bitter because the Bush Administration couldn’t hold good press conferences like this one – where our Dear Leader connected with the American people on an almost spiritual plane,” Axelrod said.

“Besides, extremist name-calling from right-wing fascist brown shirts like Cheney has no place in America today. He should be shipped off to the new gulag’s in New Mexico for saying dangerous things like this,” Axelrod said.