As negotiations to push through several bills in the lame duck session of Congress were stalling, President Obama declared a national state of emergency and announced draconian steps to force progress on his legislative priorities.
“Make no mistake. If Republicans do not act on our very reasonable proposals to shackle future generations of Americans with insurmountable debt, it may delay my scheduled departure for my 37th vacation of the year,” President Obama read from a teleprompter.
“I am heading to Hawaii and if I’m late, Michelle will kill me. This is a national emergency that requires extraordinary measures to overcome,” Obama continued.
After his brief introduction, the President announced that he was too busy to continue explaining all the tedious details of his controversial declaration and that he had asked former president Jimmy Carter to take over the remainder of his scheduled press conference.
“All Republicans will be forced to live in prison camps in the frozen tundra of North Dakota until Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid have finished plundering the country for the good of their union cronies,” Mr. Carter read from a teleprompter.
“Am I reading that right? I can’t see too good anymore. I can’t wait to read the rest of this. I hope there’s something in here that sticks it to the Zionist regime,” said Mr. Carter, who turned 86 this year.
Republican reaction from Capitol Hill was varied.
“Uh, I’m pretty sure he can’t do that,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (Weenie - KY).
Soon-to-be Speaker of the House John Boehner (R – Ohio) had a different take on the President’s emergency declaration.
“I’m not going to any prison camp so some union thugs can get their payoff. Personally, I’m going to arm myself to the teeth when I head to the House floor. Anybody who tries to stop me from casting a vote is going to have to negotiate with Smith and Wesson. I encourage all other Republican House members to do the same,” said Mr. Boehner.
As news of President Obama’s emergency declaration spread, reaction from the public was mixed. It was reported that an angry mob of 150,000 people wielding pitchforks had gathered spontaneously at the southern edge of the Washington, D.C. Beltway and was planning to invade shortly.
“Since nobody paid attention to our votes in November we are forced to resort to the time-honored ‘pitchfork’ method of enacting legislative change,” said one protester.
A counter rally was staged in the suburbs north of D.C. by most major U.S. media outlets. Several contributors chartered buses and airplanes and handed out bribes to anyone who would stay in the crowd.
“Being a Republican is now officially a crime. We should silence them all before they do anything else to threaten freedom of speech. They’re all puppets of the Zionist regime anyway,” said a college professor attending the rally who gave his students extra credit for attending.
“Hey, I’m just here ‘cause some dude promised me he’d give me a twenty if I hung out long enough. I have no idea what this is all about. I just hope I don’t have to sit next to the same smelly hippy guy on the bus ride back,” said another protester.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Obama Compromises with GOP on Tax Rate Extension
Details of President Obama’s compromise over tax rates with Congressional Republicans are slowly coming to light as more and more information is shared from both the White House and Congressional leaders.
“The current tax rates will be extended for two more years and we will push through an extension of unemployment benefits. The President also has to wear a dunce cap at his next press conference and pick up my dry cleaning for the next six months,” said current House Minority Leader John Boehner (R – Ohio).
When asked about the compromise President Obama was evasive about the details.
“Make no mistake. The Republicans got some of what they wanted and we got some of what we wanted. That’s the way compromise works,” Obama read from a teleprompter. But he had no other explanation for the dunce cap on his head.
Pressed further, Obama became angry and defensive.
“Look, at one point Boehner’s telling me that they’re going to play pin the tail on the donkey, OK? I either let the tax rate thing go or I end up in the emergency room with a nail in my butt. And with my Obamacare thing already taking effect, who knows how long it will take them to fix that? The guy has some leverage right now,” Obama read from a teleprompter.
“And in case anyone is curious, Boehner likes his shirts lightly starched and he picked out the color of my dunce cap for this press conference. Happy now?” Obama read from a teleprompter.
Leftwing members of the Democrat party voiced their dismay at Obama compromising so easily.
“We need social justice. These robber baron criminals who make over $250,000 a year are a bunch of evil Nazis as far as I’m concerned. We need their money. How dare they withhold it from us? The President has caved too easily. I mean, who cares if we lost 61 seats in the House? That’s not the chamber I sit in,” said Senator Claire McCaskill (Nutcase, MO).
Hugo Chavez, also in the left-wing of the Democrat caucus voiced similar sentiments.
“I’m not sure where people got this insane idea that if they earn money they get to keep it. I don’t care if we lose every election in the future over this issue. If we don’t get to spend other people’s money there isn’t much point in elective office anyway,” said Chavez (D – Venezuela).
Meanwhile, the S&P 500, NYSE and NASDAQ markets were up an average of 97.38% on the news that a compromise on extending current tax rates had been reached. Many traders and brokers voiced relief.
“Hey, it looks like I’ll get to keep some of my own money next year. Maybe I won’t have to buy the Unabomber’s cabin in Montana as a hideout,” said one financial worker who asked not to be identified.
When reached for comment, Ted Kaczynski sounded more sane than Claire McCaskill.
“You know sometimes you lose political battles and you have to either accept it or become a crazed loner eco-terrorist. I think McCaskill really ought to just let this thing go,” Kaczynski said.
“The current tax rates will be extended for two more years and we will push through an extension of unemployment benefits. The President also has to wear a dunce cap at his next press conference and pick up my dry cleaning for the next six months,” said current House Minority Leader John Boehner (R – Ohio).
When asked about the compromise President Obama was evasive about the details.
“Make no mistake. The Republicans got some of what they wanted and we got some of what we wanted. That’s the way compromise works,” Obama read from a teleprompter. But he had no other explanation for the dunce cap on his head.
Pressed further, Obama became angry and defensive.
“Look, at one point Boehner’s telling me that they’re going to play pin the tail on the donkey, OK? I either let the tax rate thing go or I end up in the emergency room with a nail in my butt. And with my Obamacare thing already taking effect, who knows how long it will take them to fix that? The guy has some leverage right now,” Obama read from a teleprompter.
“And in case anyone is curious, Boehner likes his shirts lightly starched and he picked out the color of my dunce cap for this press conference. Happy now?” Obama read from a teleprompter.
Leftwing members of the Democrat party voiced their dismay at Obama compromising so easily.
“We need social justice. These robber baron criminals who make over $250,000 a year are a bunch of evil Nazis as far as I’m concerned. We need their money. How dare they withhold it from us? The President has caved too easily. I mean, who cares if we lost 61 seats in the House? That’s not the chamber I sit in,” said Senator Claire McCaskill (Nutcase, MO).
Hugo Chavez, also in the left-wing of the Democrat caucus voiced similar sentiments.
“I’m not sure where people got this insane idea that if they earn money they get to keep it. I don’t care if we lose every election in the future over this issue. If we don’t get to spend other people’s money there isn’t much point in elective office anyway,” said Chavez (D – Venezuela).
Meanwhile, the S&P 500, NYSE and NASDAQ markets were up an average of 97.38% on the news that a compromise on extending current tax rates had been reached. Many traders and brokers voiced relief.
“Hey, it looks like I’ll get to keep some of my own money next year. Maybe I won’t have to buy the Unabomber’s cabin in Montana as a hideout,” said one financial worker who asked not to be identified.
When reached for comment, Ted Kaczynski sounded more sane than Claire McCaskill.
“You know sometimes you lose political battles and you have to either accept it or become a crazed loner eco-terrorist. I think McCaskill really ought to just let this thing go,” Kaczynski said.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Bipartisan Deficit Commission Puts Politicians on Notice
As the National Commission on Fiscal Responsibility wrapped up its work this week, members of the commission delivered a stern warning to free-spending members of Congress and to the White House.
“I ask my colleagues and the White House to consider the Air Force’s recent success with the X37B space plane. It took off seven months ago and just now safely returned to earth. Its secret payload was Democrat Congressman Lincoln Davis of Tennessee. Congressman Davis has been left in orbit because of his fiscally irresponsible voting record. I ask my colleagues to consider their future votes very carefully,” said Congressman Paul Ryan (R, Wisconsin).
According to Ryan, discussions broke down in the Deficit Commission’s meetings and Republicans decided to take matters into their own hands by contacting the Air Force and asking them to abduct Congressman Davis.
Insiders say Davis was a natural test case because of being from a conservative district in Tennessee which voted for John McCain in the 2008 presidential election over President Obama by a 29 percent margin. Most of Davis’ voters wouldn’t miss him which would minimize the outcry over such a measure.
When reached for comment in orbit, Davis was apologetic.
“I’m real sorry for voting for Obamacare and the Stimulus. Now that I am being punished I am awfully sorry I got caught. Can I please come down now? I promise I’ve learned my lesson. I will never spend other people’s granchildren’s money ever again,” said Davis.
The Air Force apparently supported the plan enthusiastically from the outset.
“We’ll see if Barbara Boxer is a little more respectful the next time one of the military’s top generals calls her ma’am during a hearing. One slip of the tongue and Boxer will be 15 miles up in geosynchronous orbit forever. We look forward to working closely with members of Congress in the near future,” said an Air Force official who asked not to be identified.
Democrats accused Republicans on the panel of playing politics with such an important issue.
“Make no mistake. Everybody in Washington knows that you reduce the deficit by raising taxes. The whole point of this stupid commission was to make the case for raising taxes. Don’t Republicans get it? Maybe we could compromise and put that WookieLeaks guy into orbit or something,” White House press secretary Robert Gibbs read from a teleprompter.
Commission co-chair Erskin Bowles also voiced his opposition to the measure.
“We need a more bi-partisan solution than this that raises taxes on people who make just a little bit more money than I do,” said Bowles.
Meanwhile, Ryan announced several other near-term candidates for permanent orbit and defended the bipartisanship of his program.
“Hey, we’re willing to send both RINO’s and Democrats. Our short list currently has John McCain just ahead of Maxine Waters,” Ryan said.
Leading economists estimated that the controversial Republican proposal would reign in spending enough to eliminate deficit spending this year and pay off the national debt within three years.
“I ask my colleagues and the White House to consider the Air Force’s recent success with the X37B space plane. It took off seven months ago and just now safely returned to earth. Its secret payload was Democrat Congressman Lincoln Davis of Tennessee. Congressman Davis has been left in orbit because of his fiscally irresponsible voting record. I ask my colleagues to consider their future votes very carefully,” said Congressman Paul Ryan (R, Wisconsin).
According to Ryan, discussions broke down in the Deficit Commission’s meetings and Republicans decided to take matters into their own hands by contacting the Air Force and asking them to abduct Congressman Davis.
Insiders say Davis was a natural test case because of being from a conservative district in Tennessee which voted for John McCain in the 2008 presidential election over President Obama by a 29 percent margin. Most of Davis’ voters wouldn’t miss him which would minimize the outcry over such a measure.
When reached for comment in orbit, Davis was apologetic.
“I’m real sorry for voting for Obamacare and the Stimulus. Now that I am being punished I am awfully sorry I got caught. Can I please come down now? I promise I’ve learned my lesson. I will never spend other people’s granchildren’s money ever again,” said Davis.
The Air Force apparently supported the plan enthusiastically from the outset.
“We’ll see if Barbara Boxer is a little more respectful the next time one of the military’s top generals calls her ma’am during a hearing. One slip of the tongue and Boxer will be 15 miles up in geosynchronous orbit forever. We look forward to working closely with members of Congress in the near future,” said an Air Force official who asked not to be identified.
Democrats accused Republicans on the panel of playing politics with such an important issue.
“Make no mistake. Everybody in Washington knows that you reduce the deficit by raising taxes. The whole point of this stupid commission was to make the case for raising taxes. Don’t Republicans get it? Maybe we could compromise and put that WookieLeaks guy into orbit or something,” White House press secretary Robert Gibbs read from a teleprompter.
Commission co-chair Erskin Bowles also voiced his opposition to the measure.
“We need a more bi-partisan solution than this that raises taxes on people who make just a little bit more money than I do,” said Bowles.
Meanwhile, Ryan announced several other near-term candidates for permanent orbit and defended the bipartisanship of his program.
“Hey, we’re willing to send both RINO’s and Democrats. Our short list currently has John McCain just ahead of Maxine Waters,” Ryan said.
Leading economists estimated that the controversial Republican proposal would reign in spending enough to eliminate deficit spending this year and pay off the national debt within three years.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Wikileaks Document Dump Shows Hillary Tried to Sell Obama to Space Aliens
According to the recently released classified documents published on the Wikileaks website, it appears that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton contacted the United Nations Office of Extraterrestrial Affairs seeking to sell President Obama to the highest intergalactic bidder. Many Washington insiders point out that this plan was especially sinister and would have been nearly impossible to detect.
“The plan was to have President Obama abducted while on a golf course, replace him with a body double, and then only have him address the public when he has a teleprompter in front of him. Who would be able to tell the difference?” said Wikileaks president Julian Assange from his Interpol holding cell at an undisclosed location.
Former political adviser to President Bill Clinton, Dick Morris, believes this was a win-win strategy for Hillary.
“Who knows how many millions of dollars this could raise for Hillary? She gets lots of cash, then she will just wait until the 2012 Democrat primaries and then turn off the teleprompter. Hillary will run away with her party’s presidential nomination as people recoil from the inarticulate dolt,” said Morris.
Another possible disturbing angle on the 2012 election is revealed in the communications with Iran sent through the State Department. According to some of the cables, Secretary Clinton asked Iranian president Mahmud Ahmadinejhad if he could share a few copies of the stuxnet computer worm so her associates could try to use it for “other purposes.”
While stuxnet was apparently designed to disable systems that control nuclear production facilities, Morris believes Secretary Clinton had another motive for modifying the computer worm.
“Let’s say her deal to sell Obama to extraterrestrials falls through. I believe her plan B was to re-engineer stuxnet to disable teleprompters. And if you think about it, half the people would probably still believe that Obama had been kidnapped by aliens and replaced with a body double who only knew how to read a teleprompter,” Morris said.
Tension between President Obama and Secretary Clinton, who were bitter political rivals in the 2008 campaign, was reportedly very high. The president reportedly lashed out at staff members who shared news of the cables with him.
“He was pretty irate. He kept asking who in their right mind would think something crazy like this would work. When he got really mad though was when we told him it would have worked perfectly. In fact, we were thinking of calling the UN’s Office on Extraterrestrial Affairs to see if they could tell us if he had already been replaced by a space alien,” said one White House staffer who asked not to be identified.
Secretary Clinton tried to maintain a diplomatic front.
“I would never overtly try to get the upper hand on our current Doofus-In-Chief. I can’t understand why people would think that about me,” said Secretary Clinton with an evil grin.
When reached for comment, Bill Clinton was incredulous.
“You mean to tell me the UN has an office on extramarital affairs? If I’d known that I wouldn’t have even bothered with the US political scene. They got a whole department for that kind of thing. That’s just cool,” Mr. Clinton said.
“The plan was to have President Obama abducted while on a golf course, replace him with a body double, and then only have him address the public when he has a teleprompter in front of him. Who would be able to tell the difference?” said Wikileaks president Julian Assange from his Interpol holding cell at an undisclosed location.
Former political adviser to President Bill Clinton, Dick Morris, believes this was a win-win strategy for Hillary.
“Who knows how many millions of dollars this could raise for Hillary? She gets lots of cash, then she will just wait until the 2012 Democrat primaries and then turn off the teleprompter. Hillary will run away with her party’s presidential nomination as people recoil from the inarticulate dolt,” said Morris.
Another possible disturbing angle on the 2012 election is revealed in the communications with Iran sent through the State Department. According to some of the cables, Secretary Clinton asked Iranian president Mahmud Ahmadinejhad if he could share a few copies of the stuxnet computer worm so her associates could try to use it for “other purposes.”
While stuxnet was apparently designed to disable systems that control nuclear production facilities, Morris believes Secretary Clinton had another motive for modifying the computer worm.
“Let’s say her deal to sell Obama to extraterrestrials falls through. I believe her plan B was to re-engineer stuxnet to disable teleprompters. And if you think about it, half the people would probably still believe that Obama had been kidnapped by aliens and replaced with a body double who only knew how to read a teleprompter,” Morris said.
Tension between President Obama and Secretary Clinton, who were bitter political rivals in the 2008 campaign, was reportedly very high. The president reportedly lashed out at staff members who shared news of the cables with him.
“He was pretty irate. He kept asking who in their right mind would think something crazy like this would work. When he got really mad though was when we told him it would have worked perfectly. In fact, we were thinking of calling the UN’s Office on Extraterrestrial Affairs to see if they could tell us if he had already been replaced by a space alien,” said one White House staffer who asked not to be identified.
Secretary Clinton tried to maintain a diplomatic front.
“I would never overtly try to get the upper hand on our current Doofus-In-Chief. I can’t understand why people would think that about me,” said Secretary Clinton with an evil grin.
When reached for comment, Bill Clinton was incredulous.
“You mean to tell me the UN has an office on extramarital affairs? If I’d known that I wouldn’t have even bothered with the US political scene. They got a whole department for that kind of thing. That’s just cool,” Mr. Clinton said.
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