Outgoing Whitehouse press secretary Robert Gibbs admitted today that the White House committed a terrible blunder with last week’s state of the union address.
“As it turns out, we accidentally loaded the wrong speech into the teleprompter. We actually used the campaign stump speech from 2008. Frankly, I’m surprised it took everybody so long to figure this out. But we are a little embarrassed that none of us caught it either,” Gibbs read from a teleprompter.
House Speaker John Boehner (R – Ohio) said this helped explain why he felt like he had heard it all before.
“Like many people I found myself scratching my head. He was talking like he wasn’t responsible for the last two years or somehow hadn’t been in office yet. Now it makes complete sense. Of course, the mess is still his fault and we’re still planning to pound him over it,” said Boehner.
“I’d also like to take this opportunity to renew my challenge to the President to have a cage match to settle our budget differences,” said Boehner.
Some felt that the White House’s mistake was actually a brilliant strategic move.
“This totally lets him off the hook for anything he said. It’s as if he never made that disastrous speech. He’s just so smart he runs circles around all of us. We love our Dear Leader,” said former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (Maoist, CA).
Given the scale of such a mistake, some were also questioning whether Hillary Clinton had actually moved forward with her space-alien abduction scheme that had been uncovered by Wikileaks some months ago.
Republican political consultant Dick Morris said that the signs are very troubling.
“Whoever gave that speech last week didn’t seem to realize that it was the standard stump speech from the campaign. It’s hard to believe that a President of the United States would forget a speech he gave so many times – especially when all the guy does is give speeches,” said Morris.
“This makes me think that Obama has already been replaced by a senseless space alien stand-in and that phase one of Hillary’s plan to capture the White House in 2012 is already under way. Republicans beware,” said Morris.
When reached for comment, Ms. Clinton responded that she was, “too busy trying to engage islamofascist rebels in Egypt in meaningful, rational dialogue,” and could not comment on domestic affairs at this time.
Vast Right Wing News staffers contributed to this report.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Democrats Accuse ‘Nazi’ Republicans of Gross Incivility
In the wake of the shooting of Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords in Tuscan earlier this month, many Democrat members of Congress claimed that Republicans’ over-the-top rhetoric was to blame.
“These fascist murderers just don’t know how to engage in polite public discourse. They are Nazis. They are racists. They are absolutely evil and there is no place for their kind of name-calling and incivility in American politics. What a bunch of insensitive retards,” said former White House Chief of Staff Rahm Immanuel.
“Not only are they sub-human Neanderthals who don’t know how to do anything but attach labels to their opponents, but their hateful, inciting rhetoric apparently inspires apolitical lunatics to go on shooting rampages. I mean, people like them should just be put down. Somebody out there needs to take matters into their own hands,” White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs read from a teleprompter.
Some pundits predicted that this would spell the end of the GOP.
“I know we said that the GOP and conservatism were dead and buried three years ago. But this time we really think it could happen,” said former DNC Chairman Howard Dean (Wacko, VT).
House Speaker John Boehner (R, Ohio) held a brief press conference to address the issue directly.
“Didn’t the Unabomber have a copy of Al Gore’s book in his cabin in Montana?” asked Boehner.
After several moments of stunned silence he concluded the conference.
“Thanks for coming. By the way, we are still going to repeal Obamacare," said Boehner.
Vast Right Wing News staffers contributed to this report.
“These fascist murderers just don’t know how to engage in polite public discourse. They are Nazis. They are racists. They are absolutely evil and there is no place for their kind of name-calling and incivility in American politics. What a bunch of insensitive retards,” said former White House Chief of Staff Rahm Immanuel.
“Not only are they sub-human Neanderthals who don’t know how to do anything but attach labels to their opponents, but their hateful, inciting rhetoric apparently inspires apolitical lunatics to go on shooting rampages. I mean, people like them should just be put down. Somebody out there needs to take matters into their own hands,” White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs read from a teleprompter.
Some pundits predicted that this would spell the end of the GOP.
“I know we said that the GOP and conservatism were dead and buried three years ago. But this time we really think it could happen,” said former DNC Chairman Howard Dean (Wacko, VT).
House Speaker John Boehner (R, Ohio) held a brief press conference to address the issue directly.
“Didn’t the Unabomber have a copy of Al Gore’s book in his cabin in Montana?” asked Boehner.
After several moments of stunned silence he concluded the conference.
“Thanks for coming. By the way, we are still going to repeal Obamacare," said Boehner.
Vast Right Wing News staffers contributed to this report.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Freak Bird Kill and Fish Kill in Arkansas Linked to Racist Republicans
The NAACP announced Tuesday that it believes the strange bird kill that happened on New Year’s Day in the small town of Beebe, Arkansas and the unusual fish kill on the Arkansas river about 125 miles away the next day are part of a racist plot to suppress black voter turnout in 2012.
“What were all the birds that mysteriously turned up dead? They were black birds. What were all the fish that mysteriously turned up dead? They were drums. This is clearly right-wing fascist Republican code. Black people with rhythm are the target. They are threatening to kill black people who go to the polls in 2012. Down with the white interlopers!” said Rev. Al Sharpton, commenting on the news release from the NAACP.
While most other scientists and commentators were perplexed about the two apparently freak occurrences in Arkansas, others offered up some interesting theories.
“I would like to completely endorse Reverend Sharpton’s assessment. And I’d like to add that I believe Republicans have entered into a pact with space aliens to harvest our wildlife as part of their sick obsession with deficit reduction. Their racists and speciesist depravity knows no bounds,” said former Democratic National Committee chairman Howard Dean.
“Anyone who is fed up by this can get aluminum foil hats to protect animals around them from alien wildlife harvesting by sending a small donation of $25,000 to the DNC,” Dean foamed from his mouth while struggling with his straight jacket.
Word had spread late in the day that the Obama Administration was considering a Justice Department investigation of the Republican National Committee over the bird kill and dish kill incidents.
“We realize there is no evidence to back up these allegations of extraterrestrial racism. But the seriousness of the charge justifies further investigation. This is something we just can’t ignore,” Attorney General Eric Holder read from a teleprompter.
When questioned whether this meant that the New Black Panther Party in Philadelphia would now be investigated for voter intimidation for blocking access to the polls for some voters in 2008 Holder replied, “there’s really no reason to look into that. A couple of guys brandishing night sticks whenever white voters or known Uncle Toms try to get into the polls is not a big deal. I mean, what reasonable person would be intimidated by that? We’re satisfied with the outcome of that investigation”
When reached for comment at the Camp David golf course President Obama was supportive of the Attorney General.
“Make no mistake. We need to get to the bottom of this in order to destroy any Republican credibility as quickly as possible. We just know they’re evil. We just have to come up with a way to show it to the American people,” President Obama read from a teleprompter while preparing for the 16th hole.
“What were all the birds that mysteriously turned up dead? They were black birds. What were all the fish that mysteriously turned up dead? They were drums. This is clearly right-wing fascist Republican code. Black people with rhythm are the target. They are threatening to kill black people who go to the polls in 2012. Down with the white interlopers!” said Rev. Al Sharpton, commenting on the news release from the NAACP.
While most other scientists and commentators were perplexed about the two apparently freak occurrences in Arkansas, others offered up some interesting theories.
“I would like to completely endorse Reverend Sharpton’s assessment. And I’d like to add that I believe Republicans have entered into a pact with space aliens to harvest our wildlife as part of their sick obsession with deficit reduction. Their racists and speciesist depravity knows no bounds,” said former Democratic National Committee chairman Howard Dean.
“Anyone who is fed up by this can get aluminum foil hats to protect animals around them from alien wildlife harvesting by sending a small donation of $25,000 to the DNC,” Dean foamed from his mouth while struggling with his straight jacket.
Word had spread late in the day that the Obama Administration was considering a Justice Department investigation of the Republican National Committee over the bird kill and dish kill incidents.
“We realize there is no evidence to back up these allegations of extraterrestrial racism. But the seriousness of the charge justifies further investigation. This is something we just can’t ignore,” Attorney General Eric Holder read from a teleprompter.
When questioned whether this meant that the New Black Panther Party in Philadelphia would now be investigated for voter intimidation for blocking access to the polls for some voters in 2008 Holder replied, “there’s really no reason to look into that. A couple of guys brandishing night sticks whenever white voters or known Uncle Toms try to get into the polls is not a big deal. I mean, what reasonable person would be intimidated by that? We’re satisfied with the outcome of that investigation”
When reached for comment at the Camp David golf course President Obama was supportive of the Attorney General.
“Make no mistake. We need to get to the bottom of this in order to destroy any Republican credibility as quickly as possible. We just know they’re evil. We just have to come up with a way to show it to the American people,” President Obama read from a teleprompter while preparing for the 16th hole.
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