Obama Pushing Healthcare Reform Across Country

In what has been billed as a last ditch effort, President Obama is traveling the country speaking to sympathetic audiences on the merits of his healthcare reform bill.

“We need to have the government run health care because historically government has been so much more efficient at, like, running . . . stuff,” Obama read from a teleprompter.

“I mean, look at the Post Office. You know, you don’t have to wait in line too long. And the prices don’t go up that much every year. And they aren’t losing all that much money. And . . . and most of the time they deliver your letters and packages . . . and stuff,” said Obama.

“If you don’t think my job is hard, you try saying all that with a straight face.”

According to the White House the rallies have been very well attended and enthusiasm for the president’s plan has been high.

“At our rally in St. Charles, Missouri earlier this week we had 41 people show up. Granted, we bussed in Hugo Chavez and 26 members of the Venezuelan Workers Revolution Party, but that was still a lot more people than we were expecting,” said White House press secretary Robert Gibbs.

Outside the meeting in St. Charles, a union community organizer who asked not to be identified said he felt the president was very successful in his pitch to the country.

“I think everybody knows that rich people are the problem. And we all know that anyone who is not a member of a labor union is rich. So if we just soak the rich we’ll all have good health care. The President was very effective in making that case. Excuse me while I adjust my aluminum foil hat,” said the organizer.

“It helps keep Republicans from reading the signals from the implant they put in my brain back in ’94.”

Similar sentiments were expressed by other union community organizers who attended the event.

Critics meanwhile pointed out the large number of protesters assembled at counter-events organized in the greater St. Louis area. Notably, one gathering had over 2,500 attendees who came to hear a local librarian speak against the health care reform bill.

The White House tried to downplay the relative size of the competing events.

“Just because they have thousands more people on their side and we have to pay union thugs to come to our rallies doesn’t mean that our aggravated healthcare reform and battery plan isn’t really what the American people want,” said White House chief of staff Rahm Emmanuel.

“I mean, they are a bunch of retards anyway. They don’t really know what’s good for them,” said Emmanuel.

Rhode Island Congressman Patrick Kennedy also weighed in on the subject.

“I CAN”T BELIEVE WE ONLY HAD 15 MEMBERS OF THE PRESS SHOW UP TO THIS RALLY! THE AMERICAN MEDIA SHOULD BE ASHAMED FOR NOT HELPING US COMMIT AGGRAVATED HEALTHCARE REFORM AND BATTERY!” said Kennedy.

“I would like some applesauce, please,” Kennedy added.

Toyota Hearings Represent ‘Monumental Opportunity’ for Congress

In an effort to distract Americans from Congress’ own gross mismanagement, members of the House Oversight and Investigations Committee grilled Toyota USA president Jim Lentz for three hours on the recent massive product recalls for sudden acceleration and braking problems.

“We’re not sure if Toyota did anything wrong or not. We’re just hoping some folks will get mad at Toyota instead of us. This is a monumental opportunity for distraction,” said Representative Bart Stupak (UAW, Michigan) the committee chairman.

“And by the way, this is a good way to try to pay back some of our union thug backers as well,” Stupak said, referring to the lower levels of unionization within Toyota as compared to domestic auto makers.

Lentz faced stiff opposition from the moment he began his opening remarks. He was interrupted while reading his opening statement by Stupak.

“I think you’ve accelerated too quickly into your remarks. Your mouth must be defective,” Stupak said, then turned to an aide and asked if he thought the remark would get air time on CNN.

After three more interruptions, Lentz finally lost it.

“We followed the rules and regulations that the federal government gave us to follow. You guys are so stupid you can’t tie your own shoes. I have to run my organization within a budget. You guys don’t even know what that word means. If someone is liable in all this, it ought to be you morons who set up excessive regulations that don’t protect anybody,” Lentz said.

Stupak responded angrily that, “members of Congress should not have to know how to tie shoes. Our work is too important to be distracted by menial things.”

Meanwhile, the White House expressed its hope that the distraction would assist them in their second attempt to commit healthcare reform and battery.

“Make no mistake. While Mr. Toyoda is in front of that committee tomorrow we will proceed with the reconciliation option behind closed doors,” President Obama read from a teleprompter.

“Hey, who wrote this thing? I thought we decided to say that the whole recall thing was Bush’s fault,” Obama said.

Critics of the grilling Lentz received on Capitol Hill echoed his point that regulations set forth by the Department of Transportation were strictly followed by Toyota yet did not prevent the defects from making it into cars. Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood was called on to briefly testify before the committee as well.

“Hey Ray. We kind of miss you back here on the Hill. Hope the cabinet gig is still going well. We’ll talk it over at tee time tomorrow, OK?” Stupak said.

LaHood read a short statement before fielding the one question from Stupak.

“I would like to say that while my agency’s regulations were apparently worthless in this case, that Americans should not lose faith in their government. And this does not in any way mean that we should be skeptical of government regulations that supposedly protect us,” said LaHood.

Obama Invites Republicans to Healthcare Cage Match

Trying to show more openness, President Obama has invited Republicans to a televised cage match to resolve the healthcare reform logjam on Capitol Hill.

“Make no mistake. We will slam heads into turnbuckles. We will rake faces. We will put people in a suplex. We will do whatever it takes to beat the Republicans into submission so we can pass our reform bill which will shackle America forever into the future,” Obama read from a teleprompter.

White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel added further that, “I can't wait to get these guys in the ring and beat them up on national television. The whole world is gonna watch us rock their world. Yeah, baby!”

Republican reaction to the President's overtures was cautious.

“We expect to remain miles apart on healthcare reform even after we've finished bashing in Emmanuel's head,” said House Minority Leader John Boehner (R – Ohio).

Senator Mitch McConnel (R – KY) said he expected a great tag team match up between him and Boehner and Emmanuel and Health and Human Services Secretary, Kathleen Sebelius.

“Boehner and I used to do this kind of stuff back in '94 when Newt started using it as a way to settle differences within the caucus. John and I tag-teamed against Arlen Spector and Ray LaHood once. Spector had to have reconstructive surgery on his -- well -- I'll just say I wasn't surprised that he finally left the party,” said McConnell.

Boehner similarly expressed confidence in the Republican side's chances. At a press conference Boehner ripped a phone book in half, got his face within two inches of the nearest television camera, and challenged his opponents to come up with a better plan.

“You whiny big-government liberal girly-men need to come up with a plan that doesn't destroy the best healthcare system in the world. Ya say ya gonna rock my world, huh? You better watch yourselves in the ring sissy boys. I might have a folding chair waiting on you. I'm coming to get you. And there's no place you can run and hide,” said Boehner.

When asked to comment on the upcoming healthcare summit, White House press secretary Robert Gibbs expressed his dismay.

“You have two white men threatening to beat up a woman who is a cabinet secretary. That just shows the Republican gender bias,” Gibbs read from a teleprompter.

In response, Boehner and McConnell reportedly offered to let former Prime Minister of Great Britain, Margaret Thatcher, stand in for one of them.

“At age 85, the Iron Lady can still beat your whiny little liberal behind. Long live freedom! WOOOO!” said Boehner.

Thatcher's office was reportedly making arrangements to attend the cage match on the 25th of this month.

Another Twist in Antartic Whale Fishing Controversy

As yet another clash occurred between Japanese whaling ships and the Sea Shepherd's anti-whaling boat, the Kill the Whales Foundation announced a new study that proves global warming is a direct result of the overpopulation of whales.

"In the most comprehensive study of its kind, the Kill the Whales Foundation has positively and causally linked the population of whales and whale-related species to the mean atmospheric temperature of the earth," said Henrick Olsson, Kill the Whales Foundation spokesman.

"More whales equals higher temperature. It's that simple. And it requires the immediate eradication of all whales," Olsson said.

Climate researchers at the University of East Anglia were asked to examine the results and offer another opinion on the findings of the Kill The Whales report.

"As much as this pains me, we have held this study up to the exact same kind of scientific rigor and scrutiny that we have used in our own studies and we are unable to refute it. Killing the whales will save the planet from immediate destruction. There is no other possible conclusion," said climate researcher Phil Jones.

Reaction from the Obama administration was handled somewhat clumsily.

"We would like to congratulate corpseman Olsson for his study that totally contradicts everything we've been saying for 30 years," President Obama read from a teleprompter.

"Will you retards please update this teleprompter thing before reading it gets me into trouble? I mean, I think I just endorsed killing whales and I'm not sure my retard base will help me with a second attempt to commit healthcare reform if I'm telling America to kill all the whales out there. Can we invite the Republicans to kill the whales, too? Then maybe it won't look so bad," Obama said.

Meanwhile in the frozen waters of the antarctic, the crew of the Bob Barker was rammed by another Japanese whaling vessel sponsored by the Kill the Whales Foundation.

"It was awful," said an anonymous crewmember.

"They were singing cumbaya on the deck and lulled us into kind of a trance. And just when we started to snap out of it, one of them yelled 'Look! It's Mao Tse Tung!' We were so disoriented looking for chairman Mao that the next thing we new we were being smashed by a multi-ton trawler," said the crewmember.

Obama Pitches Indentured Servitude Act

In a change of direction from the White House, President Obama has started calling his annual budget the Indentured Servitude Act of 2010.

“The neat thing about this bill is that we get to shackle future generations. We can spend money like drunken sailors and let somebody else pay the bill when it comes due. What could be cooler than that?” Obama said.

The budget bill has been widely criticized as creating a large deficit, contributing to an incomprehensible level of debt and growing the size and power of the federal government to unprecedented levels.

In response to these criticisms the Obama administration initially claimed that they had cut back a tiny percentage of an obscure category of federal spending in order to reduce the impact of the budget bill.

“What are those retards talking about? We cut spending in some places where it won’t affect re-election bids in Democrat controlled districts,” said White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel.

In recent days however, the President seems to have changed direction with his message.

“I’m giving up on sounding smart or reasonable or whatever. Let’s just spend as much as possible and let somebody else figure out how to pay for it. It’s just easier that way,” Obama read from a teleprompter.

Republican Congressional leaders were apparently taken aback by the strategic shift.

“Uh, we’re not totally certain that indentured servitude is the way to go. Uh. Did he really say that?” said House Minority Leader John Boehner (R – Ohio).

In response to Boehner’s comments, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs charged that Republicans were being intolerant and were unwilling to meet the President half way.

“All these belligerent neanderthal brown shirts can do is obstruct. I can only warn them that there will be a price to pay for questioning the President without offering a similar socialist utopian vision of our society,” Gibbs read from a teleprompter.

Hugo Chavez (D – Venezuela) reportedly voiced his support for the Indentured Servitude Act of 2010 while in a drunken rage.

Obama to Blame Bush in State of the Union Speech

Early indications from the White House are that President Obama will blame former President Bush for many of the current issues facing the country in tomorrow evening’s State of the Union address.

“Make no mistake. The current state of the economy with unemployment over 10% is 100% George Bush’s fault,” White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs read from a teleprompter.

“The fact that unemployment has gone up since our administration came into office must be because Dick Cheney maneuvered behind the scenes to hide the real numbers,” said Gibbs.

According to White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel, the economy is just the first in a long list of issues that Obama plans to blame on Bush.

“The blame for the recent growth of Al Qaeda in Yemen can be placed squarely on Bush. We maintained all along that Bush should have concentrated on the real war in Yemen, instead of getting diverted into Iraq and Afghanistan,” Emmanuel said.

“The Senate’s inability to pass the President’s Health Care Reform bill is also George W. Bush’s fault. And if Bush had done more to prevent global warming we might never have had the H1N1 outbreak or the earthquake in Haiti,” Emmanual continued.

Representatives from Hugo Chavez’s office (D – Venezuela) reportedly contacted the White House asking to hold a joint press conference to further explain how George W. Bush caused the Haitian earthquake. Emmanuel declined to comment on Chavez’s request stating that, “our good friend Hugo knows where we stand on this.”

When asked if the president had any positive things to highlight in his speech Emmanuel responded that, “We are going to announce a freeze on spending anything that can’t be used to buy votes. If we’re going to put future generations into bondage with our incomprehensible deficit spending, we at least ought to get some short term, political benefit from it. You can never let a good crisis go to waste.”

Supreme Court Decides First Amendment Is OK

In what is being described as a landmark decision, the Supreme Court today issued a ruling in the Citizens United vs Federal Election Commission case. The decision throws out much of the Bipartisan Campaign Reform Act of 2002 - known widely as the McCain-Feingold bill.

“It turns out that we have this thing in the Constitution called the First Amendment which protects political speech. Most of us were all blown away when Clarence Thomas pointed it out to us. We thought that was a really cool idea,” said Justice Anthony Kennedy.

Justice Ruth Bader-Ginsberg wrote the dissenting opinion. She disagreed strongly with the majority in this decision.

“If we can’t tell people what political speech is acceptable then it will mean fewer Justices like me on this court. I mean, I’m set for life, but what about future generations of socialists who will be perpetually out of power if the American people are allowed to express their opinions openly? Freedom of speech isn't the issue here. We need to promote the agenda I agree with,” Bader-Ginsberg said.

Reaction on Capitol Hill was also somewhat polarized. Senator John McCain (RINO, AZ) who had a large part in passing the bill disagreed with the court’s decision as well.

“Surely something as trivial as the Constitution and this alleged ‘First Amendment’ can be set aside so I can pander to the left, get good press in the Washington Post and get invited to lots of parties inside the beltway,” McCain said.

Reaction from Democrats was also quite negative.

“Giving the average American the opportunity to voice his opinions by donating money to an advocacy group is just a bad idea for democracy. The average American is not smart enough to understand how important our work is. They listen to things like talk radio and watch things like Fox News. We don’t want to hear their opinions which is why we tried to make those opinions illegal in the first place,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (Stalinist, CA).

In a telephone poll of 1,200 likely voters conducted by Vast Right Wing News, respondents were largely in favor of the Supreme Court’s ruling today. 97.8% of respondents said they were at least very likely to tell their Congressman and Senators to shut up and listen to them for a change.

0.5% of those polled thought the ruling, “endangered the proletarian Marxist revolution for social justice.” As it turns out, the polling organization accidentally called multiple White House extensions in this survey and feels that this particular category is somewhat overstated.